Keaton’s Cop

| July 27, 2011

Some movies are better left in the vault. The promising cast behind Keaton’s Cop, a poorly written, poorly made action movie from 1990, is misleading. But don’t sign up because Don Rickles is involved. Sadly, the talented Mr. Rickles (the only enjoyable part of the movie) dies about 15 minutes into the story. From then on, there is nothing to enjoy about this cheap flick.
OK, to be fair, there must have been nothing close to a budget to make this movie. The entire cast is dressed in clothes that most likely came from the thrift store, the cars probably pulled out of the junkyard and restored, and the locations only the tackiest dives Los Angeles has to offer. So not all the blame can be placed on the director, Robert Burge (whom no one has ever heard of, obviously).
The story is fairly simple. Abe Vigoda plays Louis Keaton, a former mobster who is now retired and living in an ill-fated home for the elderly. He escapes an attempt on his life, and must now be protected by Mike Gable (Lee Majors) and “Jake” (Don Rickles). Sounds promising, right?! Unfortunately, everything that can possibly happen to make the story the dullest romp in movie history happens.
Rickles is mercilessly shot in the back when he and Majors go to collect Vigoda from the home, and from then on, it’s up to the totally wooden Majors to solve the mystery. Vigoda spends the movie playing his role like a mentally challenged Groucho Marx, and Majors falls in love with Vigoda’s nurse from the home. It’s a romance that fails to captivate.
Supposedly, the nurse is the good woman who is going to save Majors from his bad divorce and lonely cop life (by the way, there is a priceless scene involving Majors’ ex-wife, in which all the dialogue is badly looped and a stunt man performs a horrible fall out of a second-story window). She bonds with his troubled son, and cleans his house for him. Snooze.
Apparently the person behind Vigoda’s homicide attempts is a scary mob lady named, aptly, Big Mama. Basically a lot of stupid stuff happens, like car chases and more attempts at Vigoda’s life, thwarted by other people getting in the way of the bullets. Finally there’s a scene in an old house, in which Big Mama is smoked out of the bedroom she’s been hiding out in, and a stunt man does the worst impression of a man on fire and in pain in the history of movies.
Best to let this one fade away into a bad memory.

About the Author:

Heather Trow is a nursing assistant and part-time writer. When she is not writing, she is listening to the popular podcast "NEVER NOT FUNNY". Actually, at any given time, most likely, she is listening to the podcast. It's pretty much all she does besides work. It is her favorite thing.
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