Eragon

| December 16, 2006

The older I get, the more my patience grows thin. With that said, I’ll get straight to the point. Every single person involved with Eragon should be tied up and burned alive, then have their ashes urinated on by their executors. Yes, even the best boy of this flick should be shot in the fucking head or killed by some other terrible means. After viewing this picture, I’ve discovered that a part of the Bible has been missing for thousands of years. Just before the verse “Jesus wept,” there was another verse that was cut out that said, “Jesus saw Eragon.”
What in the holy fuck were these people thinking?! How dare they shit all over a classic fantasy trilogy like this? Sure, I haven’t read any of the books, but if I had, I’m sure I would be even more pissed. I mean, is it all that hard to adapt a great book? Before this flick, I thought the worst you could do with an adapted screenplay was copy and paste. Apparently, you can do much worse, like, say, ignoring the book altogether and making your own piece of shit movie. But thanks to the untalented team behind the worst fantasy flick ever, Eragon is now giving the Dungeons and Dragons movie a run for its money. And they both starred Jeremy Irons.
So what’s wrong with the movie? Everything. The screenplay is ridiculous, the dialogue is laugh-out-loud hilarious, the actors are dreadful and the direction is dull. Even the “epic” battle sequences are a complete yawn-fest. I will never forget watching this movie because two virgins were sitting in front of me complaining about my friends and myself talking too much during the flick. But midway through, they realized we were doing them a favor by providing the only entertainment possible: ripping the movie to shreds as we watched it. Christ Almighty, why Jeremy Irons and John Malkovich signed on to this project I will never understand. Wait a minute! Yes, I will. They sign on to shitty period pieces! In this decade alone, Irons has starred in nine failed period/fantasy movies. Either kill yourselves or go back to playing German bad guys in Die Hard sequels. And don’t even get me started with Malkovich, who hasn’t had a good role since 1997’s Con Air (I wish I were kidding). Oh, and the producers were geniuses, hiring a dude who’s never directed before and a kid who’s never acted before to play the lead. This kid made me yearn for Dolph Lundgren. This kid should fight that other guy from Narnia in a battle to the finish over the crown for worst actor of their generation. And Rachel Weisz (the voice of the dragon) should be ashamed of herself. Not to mention the fact that most of the movie is based on special effects, but it featured some of the worst CGI I’ve ever seen past 1980. And the irony is, the director is a visual effects specialist who’s worked on movies like Saving Private Ryan, Jurassic Park and T2. But I guess Eragon had to look like shit in order to match the shitty screenplay and direction.
Eragon is now going toe-to-toe with The Da Vinci Code for worst fucking movie of the year. It wouldn’t even be entertaining if you got wasted and watched it with a Playboy model. Even if you were blind you would still have to listen to the dialogue. No one wins here. And if Eragon is what I’ll be getting from now on every Christmas at the cineplex, I’m converting to Judaism.

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