Epic Movie

| February 2, 2007

This film is as funny as cancer.
And I mean that in the worst way possible.
In fact, there is nothing remotely positive I can say about Epic Movie, other than it being quite possibly one of the worst movies ever made. I’ve seen porn with a better plot. The Spanish channel makes more sense to me. I’d rather watch static on TV for two hours.
Screenwriters/directors Aaron Selzter and Jason Friedberg should be castrated. Their parents should disown them, and the government should use them as human guinea pigs to test diseases like the Ebola virus. They are responsible for all the fucking Scary Movie(s), Date Movie, this pile of dogshit, and the upcoming Scary Movie 5. They should take everyone one of these actors and throw them off a plane (well, you can spare Carmen Electra).
The fact that this movie was number-one at the box-office this past weekend angers me beyond words. You will lose brain cells by watching this. The Food and Drug Administration said it is the equivalent of smoking 16 ounces of marijuana at once.
There is nothing fucking funny about anybody imitating funny scenes in a movie you saw three months ago. It’s almost as bad as those lame ass NOW Volume 3994939! CDs.
Who wants a music compilation of radio songs six months old for 20 bucks? You’d think nobody, but they still fucking sell. The only people that buy them are the same that probably see this film. Well, fans of Epic Movie can take their NOW CD and shove it up their fucking asses.
The last great spoof movie(s) were The Naked Gun series. And someone could probably make a case for Hot Shots!, too. So if you are in the mood for that type of humor, watch one of those. Or go rent Airplane! But seriously, do not waste your time with this. If you see it after reading this, then you must be a masochist.
Parodying films like Willy Wonka, The Chronicles of Narnia, or movies that were just in the theater like Snakes on a Plane is exponentially lame. This is especially true when you have crap writers. The last time this genre was funny, Nirvana was still a band. Think about that for a second.
Twentieth Century Fox should be ashamed of themselves. It will take something monumentally shitty to top this incredible pile of steaming hot dog shit. I can’t believe there is someone out there that still has a job after saying, “Yeah, hey, this script is funny. I like it. Lets make this movie.” I ask you this: what the fuck is funny about this movie? Mr. Executive, deep down inside you must know this movie sucks. Yet you’ve lied to yourself and others about it. You’ve caused irreparable damage on the American public.
Even Jesus hates this movie.
Grade: F

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