The Last Mailbag Ever!

| April 1, 2007

As many of you have heard by now, this will be my last official Rant article. It’s been one hell of a ride over the years doing this column, and I know many of you will be devastated to the point of suicide that I am retiring.
In order to successfully go out with a bang (did someone say Paris Hilton?), I found it appropriate to close this chapter of my internet career with a final mail bag, which was my only original creation at Film Monthly.
I’d like to thank all of my supporters over the years (except my mother, she’s a biased hooker) and ask that everyone out there give undying allegiance and support to my main man Tony Licardello who will be taking over the column starting next month. Now… let’s get on with the bashing!
For those of you joining us for a mail bag for the first time, GO TO HELL. Juuuuust kidding. The mail bag is where I go through many retarded emails that we receive here at Film Monthly on a daily basis, post them on here and rip them (and the senders) to shreds. Let the games begin.


From: “Roland”
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: Ms Brown
Date: Thu, 08 Mar 2007 14:31:29 -0600
Dear Film Monthly:
After reading an interview about Jack Hill the creater of “Foxy Brown” the movie. I Think The Movie “Foxy Brown” should have it’s own website explaining the movie and the hot star Pam Grier. With that funky soundtrack in the background. What do you think?
R. Ho****
Clint: What do I think? I think you’re all kinds of fucking crazy. When I read a letter like this I envision that mug shot of Nick Nolte in my head. Is this you, Nick? More importantly, why do you care what Film Monthly thinks? Since you’re already crazy, would it be so far-fetched for you to start this website yourself? Then again, if your parents don’t love you and you have no friends, I guess it makes sense for you to email us because we’re all you’ve got. Wait, I take that back. You’re all alone. Kill yourself and make the world a better place. But have fun while doing it. Fun is very important.


From: K*** Bo***
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: carrie-anne moss
Date: Mon, 1 Jan 2007 17:27:47 -0800 (PST)
Hello…I am 14 and my dad recently showed me the Matrix trilogy, and I instantly fell in love with it. More importantly I deeply admire Carrie-Anne Moss..overnight I became her hugest fan…and I just loved reading your interview with her on The Matrix Reloaded. Carrie just sounds so sweet, and I would absolutly love to meet her…but I know that is almost nearly impossible..right? But I was wondering, is there anything you can tell me about her–does she have a fan mail address or something, because I would absolutly love to tell her what a great inspiration she is to me. Thank you!
Kara
Clint: Kara, you need to call the police and have your father arrested for child abuse. There are far worse things in this world than getting beaten and raped, such as being forced to watch the Matrix sequels. You are a victim, Kara. And victims need to be treated or else the condition will only get worse. And even if you weren’t suffering from abuse, any talk of Carrie-Anne Moss is banned from our website due to her work in Red Planet. I know this comes as a shock, but your father deserves to be gang-banged in a prison cell by the Wachowski brothers because of his crimes against humanity. I wish you the best, but not your communist father.


From: ***395@yahoo.com
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: Thieves’ Highway — original ending?
Date: Sun, 28 Jan 2007 01:05:22 EST
Hi there,
So does anybody know what was the original ending for this amazing film? We know Zanuck mucked it up, but what was Dassin’s and Bezzerides’ original vision? Driving me crazy!
Thanks,
April
Clint: Haha, you know what’s driving me crazy? You! Yay! This is only the third email and we’ve already met our “psycho bitch” quota for the day. I don’t know what’s worse- assuming we have the time to respond or that you’re asking a question about a movie no one cares about. Its hard to care what the original ending is when frankly no one gives a rat’s ass about the regular ending. Did you get a response from our editor, April? No? There’s a reason for that, honey. He’s busy all day dealing with people that matter.
Now run along April, the ninja turtles are calling you.


From: “GLENN******” <*****united@hotmail.com>
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: hi
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2007 02:35:28 +0000
hi is all the guys on quees as folk gay cos i think Nathan is so sexy im Edward Sloan & im 24 & im also gay i loved seeing the guys naked is it ok if i can meet up with Nathan some time thank you & good bye
Clint: Thank you for doing my work for me, Glenn. You admitted to being gay without me having to bring it up. Though last time I checked, the word “gay” meant “homosexual.” This I have no problem with. But you’ve brought a new meaning to the definition: “illiterate retard.” As if you don’t have enough problems from the outside world with your sexuality, you now have to deal with being a double-minority by taking the short bus to school. I think its time to come out of the closet and admit you have a problem with dyslexia. I mean, how can you gain respect as a gay man in America if you can’t even spell “queer” properly? Honestly.


From: “Tina******”
To:
Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2006 11:03:40 -0800
Hi:
I have been trying in vain to find the suit manufacturer for the suits worn by Li gong in Miami Vice. These were fabulous and no where is it mentioned who did her costumes. They mention it for Crocket and Tubbs but not for Li gong.
Can you please help find out who did the costumes for her? I would sure love to own those suits…
Thanks so much!
Tina
Clint: And I’ve been trying in vain to forget Miami Vice ever happened. I do admire your strategy though–picking a shitty movie no one has seen and getting the costumes from the film to pass them off as your own style. Listen carefully sweetie: no one can pull off the coolness of Sonny Crockett. If you attempt this, Don Johnson will drop his falling star on your house and take a massive shit on your corpse. What’s next, Tina? Trying to find the costumes of Nash Bridges? You disgrace me.


From: C**** Jude Z****
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: Real Women have curves
Date: Sun, 10 Dec 2006 10:32:34 +0800
Hi
I just watched Real Women Have Curves and I really enjoyed it. I was disappointed though that the movie came to an end so soon and there’s no story after Ana left for New York to study. I wonder if there’ll be any sequel to this movie. I hope so.
All the best from,
Laura
(America Ferrara’s fan)
Clint: Well Laura, I’m sorry to hear that you’re queen of the losers and have no one to talk to. May I suggest getting a puppy before you make the daunting decision to email a film website with your thoughts on the movie. Do you have a real question to ask? Then order a care bear and shut your fucking trap. Oh and since you liked Real Women Have Curves this also indicates that you’re probably fat and this makes me sad. Perhaps exercise is the best thing for you right now, dear, instead of spending all your time watching movies about how other fat people’s dreams can come true (they don’t). Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help with your long, impossible quest to being beautiful and popular. Tootles!


From: Chris H***
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: Halloween: Resurrection review.
Date: Sun, 3 Dec 2006 00:38:02 -0800 (PST)
This is for Yasmin Hunt for her review of Halloween 8. I read that you want to know how Mike got his head back? Well the truth is that in H20 When Michael “Supposedly” was decapitated it wasn’t Michael. I heard he switched suits with one of the Medics. When he was hit with the van he was in to much pain to move. Or talk. The Laurie did the head- chopping thing. It says the Medic was a father of 3 in the beginning of Resurrection. The man in the medic suit that you see walking with the camera at a low angle is Michael. Also, you wanted to know how Michael became a killer? Well the man in the black jacket in Halloween 5 is something called the “Thorn Cult”. They posessed him when he was a child. If he ever killed John Tate, the evil would wear off, and he would be human again. They would posess another one of his kin, and the madness would start all over. This time without Loomis and Strode.
That’s the best help I can give.
Seeya.
Clint: Thank you for those awe-inspiring facts, Chris. And just think, if this email would’ve been sent six years ago when the movie actually came out then some other virgins living in their parents’ basements maybe would’ve cared. I do know first hand that Yasmin Hunt has been sitting by the computer night and day for six long years waiting for this email and for all the questions to be answered. Now we can all finally rest in peace (except that damn Michael Myers). Have you ever even seen a woman? Movies, computer games and your mother don’t count either. Ponder this for a moment, and before you go off tying the final knot in the noose, just think about all the wonders that online dating is doing for people like you these days.


From: Brad Williams <***comic@yahoo.com>
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: Mistake in review
Date: Thu, 9 Nov 2006 12:55:24 -0800 (PST)
Rory L Aronsky wrote a review about Carlos Mencia’s DVD not for the easily offended and there is a mistake. He says that weeman from jackass performs with mencia on stage and that is wrong. The person performing with mencia on stage is Brad Williams. Me. Please fix the error. Thank you
Best,
Brad
Clint: Our apologies, Brad. You must admit though that you do have a striking resemblance to Wee-man. That’s a major midget on our part (mistake! I meant mistake!) and we’ll correct that right away. In the meantime may I suggest being funny? That’s what a comedian’s job is, right? Even IMDB has never heard of you, and that’s some harsh reality shit right there. But don’t worry, I’m sure everyone was way too busy laughing at Mencia (and his fake act he stole from other comedians) to pay attention to you. Ah well. There’s always a fallback career in magic, as it must’ve taken one hell of a trick for you to reach the keyboard. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!


From: Falcon08@****.com
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: Halloween Resurection
Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2006 17:10:50 EDT
I just read your article on Halloween Resurrection and I want to inform you about something you seemed to have missed in the film. I just watched the movie for the first time and I know it’s-
Clint: Sir, sir! Sorry to cut you off there Mr. Falcon but you’re in luck! Another male virgin just emailed us about the same topic and I think you two should get together for some hot, homosexual sex! Chris, if you’re still reading, don’t kill yourself because I just found you a soul mate. Both of you email me at Film Monthly and I’ll trade the contact information. Then its all candy canes and rainbows from there as you two crazy fucks can watch Halloween: Resurrection and make love all night long anytime you want! And people say I don’t do any good in the world. Another match made in homo-heaven.


From: “shinuna”
To:
Subject: new story
Date: Mon, 9 Oct 2006 11:47:31 +0400
Good morning Mr. Mike Newell the director of Harry Potter. My name is
Shinuna Al****, am 36 years old, working in Sultan Q**** University, head of I*******.
Am not a writer, but I like the way you direct your movies.
I would like to invite you and your cast to my country in my house so I can give you an old story witch will be the hit of 2007.
It is a story that can be produce and directed like Harry Potter and I am sure that you will like it as well as it will be the most top movie in 2007.
In addition, in my country, you will have very good place to shoot the movie, mountains, forest, ocean, and desert.
Please do not ignore my massage and give me a chance to present some thing new to the world.
I apologize for my bad English.
Shinuna Mohammed Al*****
Clint: Good evening, middle eastern terrorist cell. Unfortunately Mr. Newell is awful busy and has no interest in being killed by means of anthrax, no matter how bad he blames himself for the critical failure of The Goblet Of Fire. Filmmonthly.com does not negotiate over matters of this kind, as we are the first line of defense against our nation’s enemies even above Homeland Security and Federal Agent Jack Bauer. Why do I think you’re dangerous? 1) you have five names and I can’t pronounce one of them. 2) Your email features the words “witch,” “shoot” and “massage” in it. And 3) You’re actually crazy enough to believe that a famous director is somehow personally connected to this website. Now I’m sorry that you didn’t get the screen credit you deserved for writing Alladin but that’s no excuse to take your anger out on other filmmakers. So take an ambien, say a prayer or two and have a good night’s rest on your magic carpet.
Well, that’s the end of the mailbag and the end of my run. It’s been fun, guys. Catch everyone on the flip side!
Don’t forget to check out Clint Fletcher’s other hidey hole here on the web: http://filmmonthlyblog.blogspot.com/

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