Nuggets from the Latest Mailbag!

| April 18, 2006 | 0 Comments

Why use a paper shredder when you have “The People Shredder”? His name is Fletch. Let the rips begin!


From: “rt”
To:
Subject: the squirter and the wailer
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 2006 22:49:47 -0800
What is the point of this movie? What trash. This passes as a sensitive, intellectual peak into the lives of an American family? What degradation and despair this poor society of ours has succumbed. How sad that money that could be used to do good was wasted. What kind of people see value in this? I’ve never believed in Darwinian naturalism, but after seeing this travesty of a film I’ve changed my world view. There are those who are special creations of God and then those, like the people involved in this film, who obviously evolved from base things, like perhaps cauliflower or ferrets.
Fletch: What… in the holy fuck… are you talking about? Are you that desperate to shoot your opinion off that you actually took the time to email a movie website? There’s a place where losers like you can go to express your pointless concerns about pointless film–its called Starbucks. Now take your lap top and your Corpse Bride beret and tell the person who cares the most–the deaf chick at the front counter.


From:
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: Mambo Italiano Reference…
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 2006 14:33:43 -0400
Hello,
I’m a serious fan of the canadian movie Mambo Italiano. I’m really interested on finding the full script of this movie, I mean all the script and quotes. Do you know where could I find it?.
Thanks a lot for your help.
Angelo.
Fletch: I believe you when you say you’re a “serious fan” Angelo. Only a “serious fan” would give a rat’s ass about a movie about pro hockey players that open up a pizzeria. I’ve never seen the movie but I’m sure that’s what it’s about. I’ll take it easy on you because I’m pretty sure you’re in the Mafia with a name like Angelo (my real name is Hank Yuloff by the way), but you’re really really stupid. I have good news and bad news. The good news is I contacted the manager of the writer of this flick (his mother), but the bad news is she says the only copy of the script has spaghetti stains on it. You Italians are so clumsy!


From: “Jonathan****”
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: the movie hostle
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 2006 11:30:46 +0000
I was wondering if you knew the website where you can go kill someone for 10.000 dollars? i dont believe that terintio was telling the truth.
let me know
thanx
Fletch: As a matter of fact, Jonathan, I do have that website for you–FBImostwanted.com. Now when you get there, scroll down until you see your own picture. Below that will be the number to call for more information, but I’m pretty sure the number is 1-800-you’re-a-crazy-fuck. Or you can contact Angelo above. I’m sure he has plenty of experience in killing people for cheap. Hey waitaminute! Was that spaghetti sauce or blood?! You sick bastards.


From: “David*****”
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: Paris has Herpes?
Date: Sat, 11 Mar 2006 02:46:01–0800
Have you heard this little rumor? Please, please rant on Paris some more…
Fletch: Well, David. Master Fletch will be more than happy to grant your wish. Paris Hilton is so skanky that she’s created her own sexually transmitted disease entitled Diafletes of the Blowhole. This was recently discovered by a poor bastard named Wayne Case here at Film Monthly. We needed a fall guy to get answers, and Wayne gracefully took one for the team. Now he’s paying with his life. Diafletes is no joke. Symptoms include loss of appetite, blindness and early on-set Alzheimer’s, for even the disease itself doesn’t want to remember it once spent a night in Paris. If you’ve come into any kind of contact with Paris, including her films, you should kill yourself immediately because the disease is highly contagious. And don’t get one of your friends to kill you instead. Diafletes can be carried into the afterlife as well, and according to Catholics, suicide will result in you going to Hell. God doesn’t want Diafletes spreading around in Heaven, David. This can be found in the Book of David, Chapter 2–”thou shall not bring forth Diafletes of the Blowhole into the Kingdom of Heaven.” And no one can argue with the Bible. Good luck.


From: Le*****33@aol.com
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: iam big fan of scott speedman
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2006 16:59:47 EST
iam big fan of scott speedman and i like to email scott speedman
my name is nicole and i live in california
email me back
sincelery nicole
Fletch: Oh Nicole, are you single? Because you are just the right amount of stupid for me. I live in L.A., so you should give me a call. Because God knows how hard it is to find a stupid whore like you in L.A. You are so rare. And we also have so much in common. For instance: I like Scott Speedman too! Well, I like hetero-Scott from Underworld as opposed to homo-Scott from that Felicity show. The point is we’re made for each other. I know you’re probably busy watching Laguna Beach and sucking an ice cube off a stick while listening to 50 Cent on your iPod while driving down the street with your illegitimate baby in your lap, but that’s a good thing. That means you’re a multi-tasker and I like that in a brainless skank. Again, my real name is Hank Yuloff and I can be found at hankyuloff@hotmail.com. Can’t wait to hear from you!


From: car*****@vif.com
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: Big Country and Big Lebowski
Date: Sat, 08 Apr 2006 16:41:28–0400
Hi,
I am not a film critic, but don’t you think that The Big Lebowski, I mean the “Dude” is inspired by the movie The Big Country, which opens with a derogatory comment about Gregory Peck as a “dude,” and a comment at the end of the movie as “the dude”?
David Car****
Quebec Quebec
Fletch: If you’re not a film critic then SHUT THE FUCK UP. Juuuuust kidding, David. Oh, don’t cry. But really, shut the fuck up. Only speak (or in your case, type) when you are going to say something intelligent. Sadly, there has never once been an intelligent conversation in the history of Man about The Big Lebowski, you know why? Because The Big Lebowski is a stoner movie, and only stoners find this movie funny. And no one discusses it unless they’re high, thus you’re sending me an email while you’re high. Don’t cry, its not your fault you’re a stoner. At least you’re not a gay stoner, right? At least you’re not related to Paris Hilton. Life could be so much worse and yet, I still feel sorry for you. Wait a minute… all the clues fit together. Is your full last name…Caruso? It makes so much sense now!


From: “Katy*****”
To:
Subject: hi
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2006 14:39:59 -0500
hi my name is katy hull and i would like if you would send me the movie on dvd thank you please
Fletch: Katy, you MUST be a friend of Nicole’s. We should get together too. You smell that, Katy? Smells like a threesome to me! Now I have a riddle for you. What has two thumbs and thinks you’re dumber than Tara Reid at a U.N. meeting… *points to himself with thumbs* this guy. That’s borderline retarded, Katy. Forrest Gump spits on your grave. P.S.: call me.


From: Mi*****@aol.com
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: DAG with delta
Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2006 20:03:21 EDT
Hi
I saw the pics of Delta on your site. I need to find a picture of her in a dark purple suit from this series. I bought the outfit on ebay. Can you help?
Paul
Fletch: Paul, I’m sorry to hear that you’re a virgin. But this is a movie website, not a Psychiatry hotline. We are not professionals and we don’t treat clinical cases, no matter how sad and pathetic they sound. I already think you’re a little crazy, considering you keep referring to something called “Delta.” The only Delta worth mentioning is the Delta Force series starring Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris tears can cure cancer, but unfortunately they can’t cure Sad Loser’s Disease. You need professional help. Perhaps you should call Delilah and explain everything to her. Maybe she’ll at least pretend to give a shit.


From: “Sameena Hussain”
To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com
Subject: The pretender 2001
Date: Mon, 03 Apr 2006 03:25:21 +0000
Hi there…
Is it possible to be able to get the movie The Pretender 2001 from anywhere??
Sameena
Fletch: Sameena, normally I would make fun of you for being a sad, lonely and pathetic woman who would never be able to engage in any physical contact with another person (kind of like Paul above!) but what I’m about to tell you is God’s honest truth. A few months ago during my Christmas edition of Fletch’s Mail Bag, a man wrote to me asking the exact same question you did. Naturally, I ridiculed him for being a sexless loser who lives in his mother’s basement. But now, it has dawned on me that you two are perfect for each other. You can’t deny it. His name is Don, and if you don’t believe me go to the link for that previous article at the bottom of this page. I never thought that Don would find a woman that is a Pretender fan, and I never would’ve thought that you would meet a man EVER.
But seriously, you should drop Don a line. Don, if you’re reading this, you should drop Sameena a line. I’m not permitted to give out people’s email addresses in this article, but if either of you wants the email address for the other, I have them saved. Just email me at filmmonthly@hotmail.com to get it. The truth is that as of now I’m packing my bags for Hell when I die. So if you guys hooked up and had lots of little Pretender babies, that would mean I did a good deed and maybe the Big Guy in the Sky would take notice and erase all of the terrible things I’ve done before. So guys, don’t do it for you. Do it for ME.
Until next time… Peace, bitches.
Oh, before I go, don’t forget to check out my other hidey hole here on the web: http://filmmonthlyblog.blogspot.com/

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