New Year’s Resolutions

| January 1, 2007

Hello there, fellow fans. Your beloved Fletch here! At the first of every year, I typically post a New Years resolution rant compiled of my top ten resolutions for the new year. This year I’m mixing things up a bit. Instead of creating resolutions for myself, I’m creating a resolution list for some naughty people in Hollywood. Enjoy.
(in no particular order)
Martin Scorsese. If you don’t win an Oscar for The Departed this year, then just put the shotgun in your mouth because its OVER.
Lindsay Lohan. Stop being a drunken, money-grubbing, attention-seeking, two-bit whore that snorts coke out of Paris Hilton’s ass crack. You make Heidi Fleiss look like Mother Teresa. Have a cheeseburger, fire your publicist and get the fuck out of L.A. if you want to live past the age of 25.
Mel Gibson. Act in a Goddamn movie again already and stop making flicks about stories no one cares about in dead languages. And stop proclaiming that you’re not a racist after ten years of revealing that you are (including your father).
Britney Spears. Thank you for granting last year’s request in dumping your husband, but the point of doing so was that you STOP being a fat white trash slut. You’re a fucking mother now, start acting like it.
Tom Cruise. Release Katie Holmes from her bubbled prison and let her take your non-existent daughter with her. L. Ron Hubbard is waiting for you behind the next comet orbiting Earth you crazy fuck.
George Lucas. Whatever script you finally approved for Indy 4 surely blows ass. Go back to the other draft that Spielberg approved (a filmmaker in a class you’ll never be in), get your fat fucking ass off your high horse and accept the fact that you were never talented and that Star Wars was a fluke.
Julia Roberts. Either stop shitting out kids and get back to acting or shut the fuck up–take your pick. You don’t get to be in the spotlight if you’re not working, and getting paid a gazillion dollars for voiceover acting doesn’t count.
George Clooney. I love ya, man. But stop making movies that adults use to put their infants to sleep. Solaris, Syriana, The Good German, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and Goodnight and Good Luck (no pun intended) all gave me the best sleep I’ve had in years.
Paris Hilton. East shit and die. Not particularly in that order. Yes, I requested this last year, but it’s not my fault the bitch is still living. She’s such a fucking skank that she makes others skanky by association (Britney, Lindsay, Tara, her sister).
Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump. The sooner you dudes kiss and make up already, the sooner we can all get on with our lives. If I wanted to hear a feud between a fat bitch and a bald greedy douchebag I’d move back in with my parents.
Happy Jew Year!
(sorry, drinking makes me Anti-Semitic)
Don’t forget to check out Clint Fletcher’s other hidey hole here on the web – http://filmmonthlyblog.blogspot.com/

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