I Like Going to the Movie Theatre

| June 6, 2008

I love going to the movie theater. There is something special about seeing a movie on the big screen, in a packed house where the smell of buttery popcorn fills the air. Whether it be at the IMAX, AMC, or your small local theater chain, seeing a movie at the theater should be a pleasant experience. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are plenty of douchebags and annoying scenarios that can ruin anyone’s movie going experience. This is a list of if just that.
Annoying Cell Phone Guy
There are few people in a movie theater that will piss you off like the idiot that talks on his cell phone and lets his phone ring during the movie. Even though this has been addressed by messages via slides in the movie theater before the previews start as well as commercials featuring famous directors (Martin Scorsese), it still is a problem. Letting your #@!&$% crappy ring tone ring for an entire minute during a movie does not impress anyone. If you let this happen, you are probably beat up in school and no one likes you. People like this should be beaten. Theaters should follow the rules of Los Angeles’s Arclight and just kick them out immediately. People that usually do this are a) single b) illiterate and c) have some sort of criminal record.
Idiot Parent who brings baby into movie at night
If you can’t afford a baby sitter, you probably should not be in a movie theater. Seriously, you people can’t afford a measly 20 bucks or so to get someone to watch your kid for a few hours. Does your family hate you and want nothing to do with your kid? I just don’t get it. Don’t get me wrong, babies are cute and all, but when they start crying just as the film starts, you will do what anyone else would do. Turn your head around to see where the hell that sound just came from and start to get really, really pissed off and annoyed. You probably will silently curse the mother. I remember just as The Matrix Revolutions started, I heard a baby crying at an 11:30 pm showing. WTF people!!! You may not be angry with the baby, but instead your wrath will be focused on the idiot parent(s) who brought their child in the theater in the first place.
Stupid ass tall guy who sits right in front of you
This really isn’t that much of a problem anymore considering the fact that most theaters nowadays are stadium style seating on a bit of slant, but it still can happen. Sometimes even if you are early to the show, and sit down 20 minutes prior, some clueless Joe will stroll into the theater and plop right in front of you when the entire #@#@$# theater is empty. Maybe these people just need a hug because this type of behavior screams for attention. The only attention that this type of person shall receive is a brutal ass kicking, Jason Bourne style. People that are super tall should be forced to sit in the back of the theater. But again, this isn’t that much of an issue anymore with nice theaters.
Scum of the earth people who talk during the movie
This is my #1 pet peeve and really can ruin anyone’s movie going experience. People that #$#%## talk during a movie should be tortured; this is simply inexcusable. You are not in your living room, you are not at your friends house, so shut the hell up. Sometimes the elderly might be confused on what is going on and converse with one another. Not excusable! I don’t care what age you are, you shut your damn mouth in the theater. It is rude, it is inconsiderate, and if you partake in this type of behavior, you probably were raised in a jungle or your parents kept you in a cage and you talk in the theater as a cry for help. At Los Angeles’s Arclight, you are kicked out for this type of animalistic behavior. I personally believe people should be fined hundreds of dollars for this type of idiotic behavior. I did not pay my hard earned money on a ticket and popcorn to listen to a stranger run his mouth. There are few things that can get me quite as angry as this.
Assclown who unwraps candy and eats loudly during movie
Buying goodies from the concession stand goes hand in hand with seeing a movie, but like anything, there is a certain etiquette that needs to be followed. Most of the time people will behave, but there are always those few absent-minded people who decide to open the most tightly wrapped candy or chomp away on popcorn with their mouth open halfway into the movie. Seriously, why do people wait to eat candy or whatever an hour into a movie? Isn’t the point to eat it after you sit or during the previews. You figure after an hour or people would be done eating whatever they bought. Seriously now, didn’t people stop chewing with their mouth open at age 7? It isn’t necessary to eat your food like a barbarian or a dog, it doesn’t make the food taste any better.
Dude who keeps leaving his eat during the movie
This especially sucks if you happened to sit near the very end of the row. You know this type of guy, someone who has the bladder of a 5-year-old girl or that tub who needs to refill his popcorn and drink 3 times because they are ‘free’. It probably isn’t a good idea to refill a large popcorn (the only type you can refill) when it is made with anti-heart oil and butter. But whatever the reason is, it is not ok to get up numerous times during a movie. You piss all the people off you have to say ‘excuse me’ to, especially if you are doing it repeatedly. I personally would trip a person if he kept getting up and sitting down. Those people who have to take ‘important calls’, just #$$&#*@@! leave already. What is the point on missing random 5-minute segments, why see the movie in the first place. I feel like throwing a brick at these people.
Douchebag who keeps kicking/bumping your chair during the movie
This is definitely up there with things that piss me off the most in a theater. For whatever reason, some people think its ok to bump or move their feet in a way where it nudges the seat in front of them. To all assclowns: people can feel you bump our chairs when you partake in this extremely aggravating behavior. It isn’t funny or nice to repeatedly bump the chair ahead of you. I don’t care if you have arthritis in your knees and have to stretch them out, either don’t do it at all and suck it up or do it in a way where you don’t touch my #**$#*$(#( chair. How would you like it if I poked you in the eye? You probably wouldn’t like it very much, so leave my chair alone. I don’t even care if it is a large person sitting in the chair and they are accidentally kicking my chair. Cut back on the buttered popcorn and watch the damn movie from home. Just don’t touch my chair. I believe in karma, and I think if you kick people’s chairs you are in for an ass beatin’.
Parasites who save 17 seats in a really crowded movie theater.
Even the nicest of people can be pissed off when this happens. Your hands are full in a packed theater and you eye 4 seats sort of in the back of the theater and you are just about to walk down the row and some messy haired parasites say “we are holding these seats for our friends”. Theater seats should be first come first serve. It is one thing to save a seat or maybe two for people in the bathroom or someone running late, but it is not ok to save a bunch of seats during a crowded show. If you can’t get your butt in the theater at a reasonable time, you aren’t that interested in seeing it, plain and simple. If you were that interested, you wouldn’t have your friend save 8 seats by placing his stupid windbreaker over two seats and repeating “These seats are saved”. LAME.

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