The Last House in the Woods

| December 2, 2008

Well, folks… Just when you think Ghost House Underground can’t get any worse, along comes the Italian entry, The Venetian Chainsaw Massacre.
Now, you just think I’m being funny at this point, but no, it’s true. Ghost House Underground was apparently so desperate for titles to round out its lineup that they were willing to stoop to the level of an Italian knockoff of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
That’s not even a terribly inapt point–it’s a couple on the run from a gang of bullies, rescued by even bigger monsters than the guys who beat and robbed the male half of the couple and were about to rape the female part. You may wonder, how is it possible to be worse than thugs and rapists? Oh, it’s actually pretty easy. Read on and find out.
You see, when I say that this is the Venetian Chainsaw Massacre, I’m not just being funny. There will be a chainsaw….eventually, though it sounds badly underpowered and in serious need of a chain tightening. And there will be a massacre…kind of. The chainsaw handler will be disabled and violent, too, just like Bubba Sawyer, a.k.a. Leatherface.
And in the final kick to our collective balls, the youngest son of the family of bigger monsters is a cannibal. With horrible teeth, too.
So basically, we’re going to get the incredibly dull fun that is watching a girl get saved from rapists by cannibals and then briefly escaping the cannibals to be found by what looks like the Italian cast of Deliverance, who just happens to be related to the cannibals.
Oh, and it really is incredibly dull fun, too. The first half hour will go by mostly uneventfully–the scene where the girl is being menaced by the rapists is a real cringe-inducer, and watching the girl try to run from the cannibals actually somehow manages to be a complete yawnfest.
It’s a real tragedy–somehow that which should be scary is a total bore instead.
And you can forget right now about the ending being interesting–not a chance of that. They won’t even manage to explain why the sweet little eight year old boy is a flesh eating monster. It apparently just sorta happened; he was born that way. Frankly, if my kid were born with an insatiable craving for human flesh I think I’d probably have him locked up. It isn’t just me, either–I asked around.
The special features include English and Spanish subtitles, a short film called L’Armadio, director’s commentary, behind the scenes footage, and trailers for Saw V, Punisher: War Zone, The Last House in the Woods, Brotherhood of Blood, Room 205, No Man’s Land: Rise of the Reeker, The Substitute, Dark Floors, Trackman and Dance of the Dead.
All in all, our coverage of Ghost House Underground is almost at an end, and so far, with the exceptions of The Substitute and Room 205, the whole series has been an unqualified failure. The Last House in the Woods is one more brick in the massive wall of failure.

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