Posted: 02/28/2005

 

The 77th Annual Academy Awards

by Coco Delgado



The Oscars as seen from Coco’s couch.


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(ABC’s Oscar Countdown pre-show)

Oh, man…if Jamie Foxx wins, he is so leading a singalong.

Not to jump on the old bandwagon…but Renée, honey, the hair looks great, but you look haggard! Eat something, babe. Or drink. You need more than 800 calories a day. Seriously.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Laura Linney wear quite that much makeup before…someone should tell her that Heroine Chic isn’t. And never was.

Okay. I give. I hated Sideways, but Virginia Madsen looks awesome. And hey…what are those things on her side? Could they be…hips?

Cate Blanchett should have worn pants.

…And a barbituates addict, Scarlet. Let’s not forget that.

Ew. Antonio, it’s 2005, not 1985. Lose the greasy ponytail. It’s not as becoming as you seem to think it is.

Nobody is waiting to hear, “and the winner is,” you dumb cow. What they’re waiting to hear is “and the Oscar goes to.” Please. Have you ever watched the Oscars before, or do you just spend all your time drooling all over the red carpet?

Yellow is the new black, apparently.

(Live from the Kodak Theatre…the 77th Annual Academy Awards on ABC)

You know, it’s sad…With all the old “classic” actors dying, Dustin Hoffman is one of the few great “voices” left for things like this. Not that he isn’t great—he is—but you know Cary Grant or Walter Matthau or Jimmy Stewart would have narrated this opening montage if they were still alive.

Wow, 4 minutes in and Chris Rock is playing the race card. Nice. I miss David Letterman. “Uma…Oprah.” Tell me that’s not comedy gold. At least he didn’t shout. Jude Law is kind of in everything. Dude’s got a point there.

We’re not going to bash Bush…but hey, we’ll slam the hell out of Michael Moore. But okay, this Gap metaphor is working for me, I have to say.

These guys in the audience are all, “Check Cashing Place? Uh…I don’t get it. What’s that?”

What’s that white thing on Renée Zellweger’s dress?

YES! Morgan Freeman! And that makes me two for two.

“Don’t worry about the Pixar people. They have iPod stock, they’re gonna be fine.” Hee!

Brad Bird worked on King of the Hill, I tell you what. Bet you didn’t know that…ooooh! And now we know what Haley Joel Osment will look like as an adult.

“This next actress did such an amazing job playing Katherine Hepburn that Sidney Poitier went to her house for dinner last night.” Hee, again.

“Multitalented.” Hm. Must be a new word for “We can’t think of anything really great you’ve done, but you’re a Barrymore, so you must be a really great actress.”

Pierce, it’s sad when a CGI woman out-acts you, isn’t it? Obviously, the secret to winning the Costume Design award is to not wear black.

Tim Robbins held my Domo-Kun. So there.

Hurrah! I am so psyched Cate Blanchett won…actually, I’m just glad she played the Great Kate well enough to not get vilified by every reviewer on the planet.

Man…I miss Carson hosting these so damn much,

Oooh, Accidentally in Love…I love this song, and hey: that’s the most unique hairstyle I’ve seen all night! And wasn’t that suit the guy’s wearing in Ray?

Fine. Enjoy your bloody Oscar, Sideways…it’s the only one you’re going to get. And Dykstra? Next time you set out to do special effects? The El is in Chicago. SpiderMan lives in New York. Okay?

Sidney Lumet, ladies and gentlemen…proof that cute children do not necessarily handsome adults make. Broadway musicals brought to the screen should not be allowed to add a new song just to get an Oscar Nomination. I’ve thought this since Evita, and I believe it today, Get off the stage…go be lonely out of the spotlight somewhere where I don’t have to look at you.

“In English I would say this is the dog’s bollocks. Thank you.” Hee! Brilliant!

Hey! That guy’s Korean!

Man…I always get burned picking what I think ought to win, but dammit…House of Flying Daggers was all about cinematography! Get a haircut, hippie. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off our next four presenters…Penelope Cruz and Selma Hayek!” Oooooh, tacky! Too bad Penelope’s wearing a bandeau top, huh, Chris?

Travolta, dude…might want to drink a little less before you go upstage to present.

What, not one Red Sox reference all night? I am so disappointed.

So I guess the mermaid dress is in? I’ve only seen like ten women wearing it tonight.

Prince is short, I know, but that award bimbo is an Amazon. And Prince…Spanish isn’t really suited for a monotone.

I did not say this, but I did laugh at it: “Okay, that was delightful. Get off the stage, gayboy. Who sings their acceptance!?”

Wow…Okay, Hilary Swank almost has rear cleavage!

Yay! Charlie Kaufman! Hurrah for The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!

Boy there sure are a lot of commercials for…Oooooohhhh,,, Now I see why Supersize Me didn’t win Best Docco! Riiiight…

!!! Jamie Foxx won! I really was not expecting it…and neither, I think, was Clint. Director just became a lot more interesting. And oh yeah…here’s the singalong…how cool that he brought his daughter, but damn, that girl needs some serious braces. Oh, here we go with the dead grandmother bit again…You know Clint would have just sauntered up, said thanks, raised the Oscar, and sauntered off.

Wow. I really thought Marty was going to get the Oscar this time. I really did. And how cute is it that Clint’s mom is there?

Babs called him Bernie! Hehehe! I love the chemistry those two have.

Yay!!! Sideways didn’t win! And I picked the one that did win! I still feel badly for Marty…but I am so glad Million Dollar Baby won. Still, I’ll wager the best thing Scorsese is nominated for, he wins, especially after the whole being dragged onstage and singing the praises of the Academy Humanitarian Award presentation scene…the next thing he’s nominated for, he’ll win.

And it’s in the can at three hours and ten minutes cold. Goodnight, America.

Coco Delgado lives in Cambridge-Somerville and always sits in the front row.



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