Posted: 03/27/2002

 

Oscar Moments 2002

by Coco Delgado



The following is a chronicle of just over four hours of my life spent watching the 74th Annual Academy Awards with my boyfriend, Jon, and our friends Tuesday and John.


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Closing credits of the preshow on E! Why do they have a credit for Melissa Rivers’ shoes when we never see her feet!?

ABC Red Carpet Preshow

“Owen Wilson hails from Texas.” Yeah. No shit.

Denzel’s wife looks like she’s gonna deck someone if he doesn’t win. She kinda looks like a drag queen, actually. Those arms are scary.

Ben Kingsley is a sir? Cool.

Tom Cruise’s introduction about “Why We Love Movies”

Jeez, Tom, you could’ve shaved for the occasion. “Pull up a sofa, it’s just us talking … it’s Oscar Night.” Cool.

“Why We Love Movies”

I miss Walter Cronkheit.

Whoopi Goldberg imitates Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge

Oh, good lord. But it could be worse…Billy Crystal could have hosted.

Jennifer Connelly’s acceptance speech

Jen, baby, you’re an actress. emote! But: cool.

I’m one for one.

Someone accepting an award, saying “I don’t know why anyone gave me the job.”

With that suit, I don’t know why anyone gave you the job either.

During commercials

Now there’s a commercial with broad, wide-ranging appeal. Don’t we all need benefits management/human resources software?

The Owen Wilson/Ben Stiller costume sketch

Owen Wilson looks pretty damn hilarious as Harry Potter, and oh my god: “ZZ Top Troll Boy!” “Shanghai 12:30.” Hee!

Accepting the award for Best Costumes

She’s a costume designer? You’d think she’d have picked out something better to wear.

The New York Tribute

Woody Allen actually at the Oscars? I guess now that they’re not on Monday night, he’s free…I thought he loved New York so much he wouldn’t leave it to come to the Oscars. I love how he enunciates his T’s.

Whoopi’s foot-fetish joke

Footnotes. Heh.

Announcing the Cinematography winner

Oh, bugger all! Lord of the Rings my ass! The Man Who Wasn’t There so deserved that!

Audience Shots

So. Who’s the guy with his hand in Ian McKellan’s lap?

Ooh. Better make sure the black people are laughing at the black joke.

Another bad suit wins an award

Born in 1963; right, got it. You’re 39. Mid-life crisis much? That suit makes sense now.

Thoth wins Short Documentary Oscar

Oh, my GOD! Thoth! I’ve seen that guy! I so have! He used to play in Golden Gate Park! Oh, wow!!! That’s so amazing!

Roberto Begnini’s favourite movie

Ruh-Neb, whatta movie!

Best Animated Feature

Aw! I love the shots of the animated stars in their seats! That’s so adorable! But wouldn’t Shrek take his wife to the Oscars and not the donkey? Just saying. Besides, I’d have loved to see Fiona in a fancy Oscar dress.

After looking up how old someone is

Having IMDb up while watching the Oscars rocks!

I am never watching them without a computer ever again.

Pearl Harbor wins for sound

Ugh. Now Pearl Harbor is an “Oscar-winning” movie.

Guess they’ll have to re-release the DVD. And, yeah dude, thank god for “war all over the world.”

Without that, there’d be no movies, would there? Yay war. Go war.

After showing a clip from Ali

I miss Howard Cosell.

Best Supporting Actor

Wow. Jim Broadbent. Cool.

Audience shot

Actually, Peter Jackson looks the type who’d play a lot of D&D.

Cirque du Soleil crash the party

You know, they always complain about how long the Oscars run. Hello? Cirque du Soleil? I think we could have cut that…it’s nearly 10:30, so I’m guessing we’re about half done?

Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw come up to present

What the hell happened to Ryan O’Neal!? He looks like John Goodman!

Best Score

Oh please…Let poor Randy Newman win—finally. He’s like the Susan Lucci of the Oscars! God, give me a freaking break! Lord of the Rings, again!? Christ, there’s gonna be two more movies, you might want to save some bloody awards for that.

The Tribute to Sidney Poitier

Jon says they should have had Will Smith do the Sidney Poitier thing. Since he’s like, his son and all?

The Harry Potter kid talks about 12 Angry Men

“The first black and white film I ever saw.” Heh.

Whoopi covers Oscar’s midsection

If John Ashcroft is distracted by Oscar’s midsection, he’s got ADD.

Best Song

I love the fact you could totally waltz to “Until.”

Hey, Ryan O’Neal’s singing! Oh, wait…that is John Goodman. Hee. I guess Billy Crystal’s not singing cos he can’t be there…must be why he isn’t hosting.

This Pearl Harbor song is so…modern. They should have done a swing number. Just saying. It’s vile. It had better not win.

Interesting the first thing they show behind Paul is the Dakota?

Jennifer Lopez presents the Oscar for Best Song

Hey, J-Lo in an opaque dress! Wow!

The winner is announced

YAY! Randy Newman won! Okay, so I picked him for score, but hey. I like his glittery tux, too. But damn, 16 times a bridesmaid, finally a bride! Hurrah!

Best Adapted Screenplay

Akiva Goldsmith!? Oh, please…the “dazzling Russell Crowe?” You so have a crush on him, admit it.

Sharon Stone and John Travolta dance a little

I miss dancing.

Best Foreign Language Film

What!? What!? How could Amélie not win anything at all!?

That’s…that’s just the most wrong thing I’ve seen all night. And I saw Whoopi in that feather thing.

Whoopi describes Moulin Rouge

“And all of it done, apparently, without a director.”

Nice.

Barbra Streisand talks about Robert Redford

I still maintain that Barbra Streisand should play Jennifer Aniston’s mother in something. It’s just…obvious. Like Teri Garr playing Lisa Kudrow’s mother, it’s a given.

Best Actress

Heh. Nicole Kidman’s like, “they picked that clip to show?” Cool.

Halle Berry won. She’s in total shock. Nice to show Sidney Poitier…

Britney Spears’ favorite movie is Pretty Woman

Shut up Britney. Just shut up. The Harry Potter kid blows you out of the water.

Best Actor

Denzel. Cool. I need to see that now? Aw…Denzel’s carrying Julia, that’s so cute.

Best Director

Opie won! Aunt Bee will be so proud. Heh. He hesitates to call a man his “partner,” which, I guess I can understand…

Another audience shot

Looking at the real John Nash, they should have had Steve Buscemi play him.

And finally…

OOH. Best Picture…this is it kids…crap. Beautiful Mind. Oh well, at least it proves that you can’t win if you have action figures!

Actually, you wouldn’t be there without John Nash. You could have been there without Russell Crowe.

Right. Bedtime. Over four hours…Yawn. And, Jon got 11 right, I got…seven. But like so much else in my life, I go with my heart.

I miss Steve Martin.

Coco Delgado is a writer who always sits in the front row. For fun she moves to different cities, which have included Montreal, San Francisco and Atlanta. This year it’s Boston..



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