Posted: 01/10/2000


My Best & Worst for 1999

by Hank Yuloff

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A top 10, huh? Unlike most of these other guys, I generally only go to movies I have a good chance of liking. I don’t go the see the movie for “art’s sake.” That’s why I wouldn’t even watch The English Patient on cable. OK—which ones effected me the most:

Top 10 of the Year 1999

1. American Pie—Hey, I laughed so hard, I almost pissed my pants. How often can you say that happened in a movie not made by Mel Brooks? It might have been that I was a band-geek in High School, but this just worked.

2. Sixth Sense- I usually have who-done-its figured out by the “2nd Act.” Nope—This one got me. I enjoyed every part of this film.

3. The Green Mile. “John Coffey. Like the drink, only spelt different.” How could you not love this guy?

4. Girl, Interrupted. Great acting. Wonderful story.

5. Flawless. I think Hoffman is going to get completely overlooked by the Academy. What a shame he can’t split it.

6. Being John Malkovich. Totally original. So dark.

7. American Beauty. Would have been higher with more teen sex! Kevin Spacey and Annette Benning continue to be good reasons to go to a movie.

8. Bringing Out The Dead—For cinematography alone, this movie gets on my list. Sizemore and Cage—I really want them coming to my house when I’ve seized.

9. Star Wars, the prequel. Worth the 7 bucks. But only once.

10. 200 Cigarettes. I left the theatre feeling like I needed a shower to get the smell off me!

Bottom-Feeders for the Year 1999

1. The Blair Witch Project 2. They have just announced that they’re making another one. I can’t imagine a bigger waste of $7 million since the Boston Red Sox signed Jack Clark, Jose Canseco and Billy Ashley.

2. The Blair Witch Project. This movie is why the word SHIT was invented.

3. The Blair Witch Project, Prequel. Here’s a hint: kill the 3 characters in this movie so the other two movies are never made.

4. Eyes Wide Shut—With deference to Jon Bastian, who I’m sure knows better than I do, if it weren’t for the nudity, or if you had replaced Nicole Kidman with, say Carmen Manheim, this movie would have ended up on my worst 10 list. Oh wait, it did. I guess the nudity didn’t help!

5. EVERY MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW: Stop it. Stop it right now. And don’t release Rocky and Bulwinkle in 2000. It’s gonna suck.

6. Jawbreaker—What Heathers did, what Witches changed and made freaky, Jawbreaker tried to copy and failed miserably. Yuck.

7. The Blair Witch Project. Did I tell you how much I hated this movie? It deserves it’s own bad movie list. Worse than Ishtar. Worse than Cujo. Worse than Taste of Green Papaya (trust me, it was bad). Worse than going to a Kenny G or Michael Bolton concert (not that I would). [This also counts for choices 8, 9, and 10!]

Movies That I Wouldn’t Go See On General Principle:

There are some movies you should just not see. From the trailer, you can tell they’re dogs. Big time, barking dogs. So, I just thought I’d add a few examples of movies that should have disappeared their first week in release. They were made for the “Direct-To-Video-Especially-For-The-Foreign-Market-Who-Will-Buy-Anything-American.

These aren’t the only bad movies I didn’t see that sucked, but you get the idea:

Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo—Rob Schneider naked. Let me just say: yucky.

Pokemon, The 1st Movie—If this was the first movie you took your kid to, shame on you. Subjecting them to the violence etc. at such an early age… uck.

Inspector Gadget—C’mon. This just looked too stupid for words.

The Out of Towners—Why did this movie need to be re-made? It was funny the first time, but not THAT funny. It wasn’t going to get any better.

Big Daddy—Threw this one in for my wife. I heard it sucked.

Hank Yuloff lives in Los Angeles, where he can be close to the heart of all that Hollywood madness

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