Kevin’s Best & Worst of 2005
by Kevin Holmes
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A vintage year, or was it. Well there’s been some tat and there’s been some snoochie boochies. It breaks down like this.
The Best of the Best
Oldboy—Park-Chan Wook gets my award for New God of Cinema. Oldboy pounced onto the screen like a tiger and continued to maul the viewer leaving them battered and bruised — head reeling — wondering whether they’d just watched a film or had their head kicked in by an army of youthful hoodlums brandishing baseball bats. See it before the remake saps your will to live. Plus Lady Vengeance ‘the 3rd part of his revenge trilogy is out this year and I can tell ya it’s fucking A.
Napoleon Dynamite—“How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?” Gets the Film I Quoted So Much Everybody Hates Me Now Joker award. Every character was complete and utter genius and the opening credits are inspired. “Tina you fat lard eat the food!” On the down side, everyone’s now wearing those ‘Vote for Pedro’ t-shirts. Grrrrr, don’t make me come over there…But to end on another quote, “If only I could go back, back to ‘82”…Yessssssssss
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou—Another magical and endearing outing from one of my favourite directors (whose next feature is an animated version of Roald Dahl’s The Fantastic Mr Fox. Frikkin’ sweet.) Stop-animation, Bill Murray, a soundtrack of David Bowie songs sung in Portuguese (by Knockout Ned from City of God) and plenty of the fatty boom-batty. Also a great emsemble cast; William Defoe (his best performance in ages) and it’s full of Anderson’s auteur-like themes and eccentricities that makes watching his movies such a rewarding experience. Some people say he’s one of those directors you either love or hate. Some people call me the space cowboy. You work it out.
The Descent—Oh yeah, baby…a great British horror from a horror director who still knows how to shock and put the fear of god into you. I never, ever want to go pot-holing…ever. I didn’t want to go before this movie came out and I definitely don’t wanna go now I’ve seen it. I mean who wants to be stuck down a cave when you could be stuck on the tube. You know? Has scares in all the right places and I loves the ending. Best horror since Saw in my humble one. And far better than Creep a British horror which was out last year that I like to pan at any given opportunity. Oh yeah did I say Creep was shit. About that film called Creep, man it was sh…
Primer—Ingenious low budget time-travelling thriller, that had me a-head-scratching the minute the credits rolled. What the hell? But didn’t he…? Wasn’t it…? But I thought…? Ye gads! Makes you wanna build a time machine in your garage, head back in time and stay there, so two versions of you are walking around causing confusion and spreading mayhem. And I’m not talking Michael Keaton and Multiplicity (dear god WHY?).
The Best of the Best 2 (Or worst)
Mr and Mrs Smith—To paraphrase Bill ‘The Man’ Hicks piece of shit, walk away. I was expecting something good to come from this, but oh no, I was so bored by it, I contemplated hara-kiri — death by disembowelment — as the only possible solution, plus it would seem like light relief compared to having to sit through the rest of the film. Then I realised this wasn’t 12th Century Japan, I wasn’t a Samurai Warrior and the pub was only next door, so I just got up and walked out. Gets my You May Be Making The Beast With Two Backs With The Female Lead, But Still No Reason To Make A Shit Movie award. Plus the special award given once every few years (well whenever Jolie gets a new man) The Think You Can Get Away With Anything When Angelina’s Bouncing On Your Bell End.
Kinky Boots—Oh dear, oh dear and thrice oh dear. This movie made me want to gouge out my own eyes with sharpened spoons dipped in acid. It wasn’t so much that the character’s were uninteresting, the storyline unbelievable (even though it’s based on a true story), the performances pathetic and the directing farcical. No hang on it was that. Gets my How To Teach A Man How To Hate award.
Cinderella Man—Russell Crowe? Ron Howard? Well, well, must be some expensive toilet paper, ‘cos this certainly doesn’t constitute a film. He’s a boxer, yeah, he’s tough yeah, but no, he’s sensitive. Oh alright I haven’t seen it, but I wanted to pan it ‘cos it has Russell ‘Fighting Round the World’ Crowe in it. Put the phone down Russell…put it down…
Hitch— Will Smith, hmmm, used to be about the music ‘t he, eh? Lay back ‘cos it’s the summertime, wasn’t it? But this movie, this isn’t about the music, it’s about death and how death stalks our every move. Not it’s not, it’s another shite Will Smith film, with that pudgy white guy from The King of Queens in it, and he hasn’t got a clue how to win chicks. Along comes the Fresh Prince to sort it all out. While we’re there, favourite Fresh Prince moment? Has to be Jazzy B turning to Will after they’ve finished discussing how invincible they are, “We’re good Will, but people can still see us.” Wins my You’ve Changed Man, It Used To Be About The Big Willy Stylee award.
The Passion of the Christ—Mel Columcille Gerard Gibson, shame on you, what’s going on? What’s with that giant grey beard, huh? Karl Marx biopic in the pipeline? I thought you were acting in those Lethal Weapon films, but clearly no. Mad Mel does a film about Christ’s final hours; read: man lugging a bit of wood to his own death. I think it could’ve been a bit more violent, don’t you, after all that’s what Christianity’s all about. Isn’t it? Violence and making Mel lot’s of dollar. Not even Jesus himself will forgive you for this one. Win’s my He’s Finally Gone Mad With Power award.
And that’s my input.
Here’s to a new year filled with some great movies, can’t wait for V for Vendetta, I love the Cowboys for the play-offs, personally…but if I see another Mel Gibson movie in the cinema, I’m gonna start swinging.
Kevin Holmes is a film critic in London, UK.
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