Posted: 01/21/2006

 

Hank’s Best & Worst Films of 2005

by Hank Yuloff




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Hey, everyone. My list this year took a while to compose because I was hoping to see some of the late entries. Time is such a commodity that seeing 60+ flicks this year was just not enough. I have at the time of this writing not seen many films that will be good or will suck so much that I will think my fellow reviewers are on acid. Brokeback Mountain, that Squid thing, the Penguin thing, the History of Violence, Hustle and Flow, Match Point, and 40 Year Old Virgin have yet to be seen by my particular set of glass covered eyes so there may be some late additions. On the whole, this was a good year to go to the movies—and the Oscars should be a very wide open affair with many movies receiving two to four nods. So without any further adieu, I give you my brief opinions of many things I have seen.

In no particular order, I give you…

The Top Movies of 2005

The Aristocrats—This guy walks into a talent booker’s office and says, “I have the best act ever for you…”

Shopgirl—Steve Martin is brilliant. Clair Danes is superb. Great story.

Cinderella Man—An early one from the year…loved it.

Lord of War—Humor. Dry humor. Lots of bullets. Nicolas Cage in expensive suits. No one else on FilmMonthly even mentioned this film… SHAME ON YOU ALL.

Wedding Crashers (1st half)—if the movie had remained true to the trailers all the way through, it would have been pretty close to perfect.

In Her Shoes—Its funny. It’s a chick flick. But with Cameron Diaz in a bikini.

Jarhead—Not so much political as reminding us that the soldiers we here are killed every day in a war we should not be in are real humans, not statistics. Lots of bullets. Jaime Foxx in a uniform.

Domino—I have decided that the perfect movie for the blind would be to have Keira Knightley and James Earl Jones say anything. Lots more bullets. Beautifully photographed.

The Ice Harvest—Humor. Cold humor. Lots more bullets. Cusack’s best movie since High Fidelity.

Crash—What happens in Los Angeles so rarely stays in Los Angeles. The racism portrayed in this film does not just exist in my home city, but we are the melting pot that only a few other cities can match so it gets highlighted.

King Kong—I went in expecting nothing. I came out with my mouth agape at the big ape. What Peter Jackson puts Naomi Watts through in the second hour is just not fair! And no, it was not too long.

Munich / Syriana—The two best political thrillers in a while. The bullets are replaced by bombs, cause that’s what governments use as bullets.

Walk the Line—Ok, so Joaquin isn’t Jaime Foxx. But Reese is always worth it.

Good Night, Good Luck—Gotta love it when the Republican thinks he is above the law, ignores the Constitution, and gets nailed in the end. I am hoping for a repeat this year.

Capote—A very adult film. Hoffman needs to finally get a nomination and a win.

The Worst Movies of the Year

Bewitched—this was on my last years Warning List. With good reason. Will Farrell… I am so done with him.

Corpse Bride—I rarely hate Tim Burton movies—but…

War of the Worlds—Gee… I can only imagine what Orson Wells would have said about this colossal waste. If only Mr. Wells had been given the budget for this movie and asked to make the movie. Now THAT would have been something. This… is nothing.

Wedding Crashers (2nd Half)—So, I’m sitting in the theatre, going along just loving this movie when all of a sudden, BAM! It takes a right turn and they fall in love…

Fun With Dick and Jane—I wish I had seen the porn version (Fun with Dick IN Jane) instead. I love Carrey but give him a chance to do what he does best.

Yours Mine and Ours—Why wasn’t there nudity in this film? I didn’t pay $10.50 to see Renee Russo with her clothes on!

Cheaper By the Dozen 2—Two times as cheap as the first one. Come on Steve Martin—how can you make something as BRILLIANT as Shopgirl and allow yourself to be in crap like this… Best to leave it to Martin Lawrence.

White Noise—Deafeningly dull. Scary in all the wrong ways.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory—I think that Willy Wonka might as well been played by Michael Jackson ‘cause he was too freaky around the little children. Megan’s Law anybody?

Hoodwinked—In a year when there was not a lot of good animation, this one just highlighted the fact. Good premise, poorly executed.

Deuce Bigalow—European Gigolo—Why was this made? What a waste of time. Not even funny. It shows that there are about a million people who are willing to waste money on a movie. Just like those who pay for George W. Bush to be their president.

Blair Witch Project—Still the worst movie I’ve ever reviewed. Still the standard by which all others are judged.

Best movie I wish I had starred in: My Date with Drew

Three Best Date Films: Just Like Heaven, In Her Shoes. Work it right guys and these are guaranteed to get you laid. These two are the How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days of 2005. Also, if you are over 40, then The Upside of Anger is a great film for a date.

Best Documentary / Worst Date Film: Inside Deep Throat. Unless you have a very special girl, this is not the one to go to on a date… The best thing you can possibly hear when coming out of this movie is for your date to say, “I don’t see what’s so special about that, I can do better.”

Best Use of Jessica Alba’s Ass: Tie—Sin City, Fantastic Four, Into the Blue. Oh wait, she was only in three movies this year. And it wasn’t for her acting ability.

Movies you couldn’t pay me enough to see: Pride and Prejudice, Saw II, Dark Water

Worst Pieces of Shit announced for 2006: The Groomsmen, Big Mommas House 2, I Dream of Jeannie and Poseidon.

Best Movie Where the Title Is Fitting and Makes Me Laugh: Sara Silverman: Jesus is Magic.

Bad Dennis Quaid Movie of the Year: Yours Mine and Ours, following up last year’s Day After Tomorrow… What is the world coming to when Randy Quaid (in The Ice Harvest) has a better acting performance than his brother??? It’s almost as if Stephen Baldwin got to star in The Cooler and actually pulled it off.

Worst Remakes: The Longest Yard, Charlie

Biggest Disappointment from Other Galaxies: Hitchhiker’s Guide, Star Wars III, The Brothers’ Grimm, Chronicles of Narnia (should NEVER have seen it right before Kong or any time after Lord of the Rings).

Hank Yuloff is a Hollywood entrepreneur who watches way too many films so he can impress his Hollywood insider friends.



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