Posted: 01/21/2006

 

Clint’s Best & Worst of 2005

by Clint Fletcher




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~FLETCH’S BEST OF 2005~

10) THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE—No horror movie has ever gotten more under my skin than this sleeper hit. Speaking of sleep… I didn’t for a month.

9) THE INTERPRETER—I usually hate political thrillers and I usually hate Sean Penn. But a classy director (Sydney Pollack) can make all the difference.

8) THE ISLAND—It may have bombed at the box office, but this is by far the most intelligent Michael Bay movie ever. Wink wink.

7) WAITING—Ryan Reynolds and Dane Cook bring this cult classic to life, especially for anyone who has ever worked in the food industry.

6) SERENITY—Joss Whedon gives Lucas a run for his money with this hilarious (and yet touching) space bonanza.

5) HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE—Harry hits puberty and so does the franchise. The best Potter movie yet and Hermione’s almost legal.

4) STAR WARS: EPISODE III—REVENGE OF THE SITH—After two decades of emptiness, we finally get the Star Wars movie we’ve all been waiting for… a good one.

3) MR. AND MRS. SMITH—A popcorn movie with class. It has everything a guy my age could ask for- guns, explosions, humor and the Jolie Jugs.

2) THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN—The best comedy I’ve seen in years. Reminiscent of the classic 80’s comedies back in the day, but funnier and raunchier.

1) BATMAN BEGINS—Finally, someone gets it right! After too light (Schumacher) and too dark (Burton) versions of the Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan hits the bullseye and then some. Meanwhile, Christian Bale embarasses the hell out of all the previous actors ever to embrace the cape.

~RUNNERS UP~

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN—If Heath Ledger doesn’t win an Oscar there is no God.

CASANOVA—A fun ride all the way through. The Platt rules.

CRASH—Controversial and just plain fucked up. Just the way I like it.

MUNICH—Spielberg hits another homerun yet again.

WAR OF THE WORLDS—Cruiser + Aliens + Explosions = a damn good time.

~FLETCH’S WORST OF 2005~

10) DOOM—How do you fuck up a story about Marines shooting aliens???

9) CRY WOLF—No plot, no kills, no nudity. Worst of all, Bon Jovi’s the best actor in it.

8) KING KONG—This movie blew beyond belief and everyone needs to deal with it. Too long and too boring. Twenty minutes of entertainment stretched to three-and-a-half hours from the director of The Frighteners.

7) ELEKTRA—A shitty spin-off to a shitty movie that never should’ve been made in the first place.

6) KICKING AND SCREAMING—Last year Ferrell was funny. This year he’s just annoying.

5) CURSED—Reportedly one of the worst movie shoots in history and it shows with ease. I blacked out when the werewolf gave the finger.

4) CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY—It seemed like a trip to the Neverland Ranch. These kids won the golden ticket to pedofile land and we have a front row seat.

3) A DIRTY SHAME—Did this movie make sense to anyone?? Selma Blair’s career is as dead as New Orleans.

2) THE BROTHERS GRIMM—The biggest waste of talent I’ve ever seen in my life. Fuck Miramax!

1) ALONE IN THE DARK—Christian Slater’s the sober karate boy. Tara Reid’s the sober scientist. Uwe Boll should kill himself with dignity.

~FLETCH’S MOST ANTICIPATED OF 2006~

10) SNAKES ON A PLANE—The greatest B-movie idea of all-time starring Samuel L. Jackson already has a cult following.

9) MIAMI VICE—Jamie Foxx/Colin Farrell= badass. Michael Mann= badass. Thank God its not a comedy.

8) CRANK—Jason Statham is poisoned and must keep his adrenaline up to stay alive. He chooses to beat ass. I’m sooo there.

7) POSEIDON—The trailer reminded me of what Wolfgang Petersen is capable of. Throw him in the water and he’ll give you a hurricane.

6) ROCKY VI—So what if Sly’s like 90? I’m such a die-hard fan that I even liked Rocky V. Bitch all you want but you know you’ll be there opening weekend too… fucking posers.

5) THE PASSION OF THE CLERKS—I wasn’t as big a Clerks fan as most people, but I worship the ground Kevin Smith spits on. All hail Quickstop!

4) X3—Assuming it could get any better than part 2, the all-out mutant throwdown we’ve been waiting for is about to happen. Gosh I hope Cyclops bites it.

3) PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST—The trailer blew my mind. Captain Jack is Back and so am I.

2) SUPERMAN RETURNS—I’ve gotten over the fact that I was rejected for Clark Kent and say its about friggin’ time Supes made a comeback.

1) MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III—Being obsessed with the first two in high school, its only natural that I get the biggest hard-on of all from this final installment. Cruise Rules!

Clint Fletcher is a film critic and writer living in Los Angeles.



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