Posted: 01/27/2005

 

Clint’s Best & Worst Films of 2004

by Clint Fletcher




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CLINT’S TOP TEN OF 2004

10) COLLATERAL—I never thought I’d see Jamie Foxx and Tom Cruise in the same movie, but boy what a thrill-ride this turned out to be. The best premise for a film in 2004. Great action and even better character development. Cruise should be praised for his badassness.

9) THE TERMINAL—A nice little treat from director Spielberg, and arrived just in time during the Summer action-movie season. Tom Hanks does his thing well as always, and gives us all someone we can relate to in this feel-good dramedy about a man trapped in an airport.

8) KING ARTHUR—The biggest surprise of the year. Despite having unknowns play the leads, this puppy turned out to be the most compelling epic of 2004. Excellent battle sequences and witty dialogue kept me from being bored (ala Alexander).

7) TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE—I don’t think I’ve laughed harder at a motion picture ever in my life (excluding South Park: The Movie) than I did at this one. Parker and Stone have created another ruthless and daring masterpiece yet again, and this time with puppets! Loved the star-studded cameos, and the vomit and sex scene will having you talking for months. Keep breaking the mold, guys. America! FUCK YEAH!

6) HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE—At a time when I had lost faith in the pothead movie, this gross-out romp came along and pulled me back out of the rut. With fresh new faces and some old ones (including Doogie Howser), Harold and Kumar succeed well in showing us a good time. If you don’t laugh at this movie then you don’t have a sense of humor and should kill yourself immediately.

5) THE GIRL NEXT DOOR—Where the hell did this come from? Many of my colleagues believe I only enjoyed this film because of its luscious star… but seriously, its so much more than that… honest. This sleeper-hit comedy is a reminiscent of the classic John Hughes 80’s movies. If you liked Sixteen Candles then you’ll love The Girl Next Door. This flick had me literally skipping down the street with joy.

4) DAWN OF THE DEAD—A ferocious action/horror flick from start to finish with plenty of jolts, wacky violence and some of the most f***ed up kills I’ve ever seen. Kudos to the guy who hired this newcomer director, because he knows his shit. The best crowd movie of the year…always watch it with lots of people.

3) FAHRENHEIT 9/11—Love him or hate him, KFC veteran Michael Moore knows how to make a good film. Thought-provoking, tragic and at times, wickedly funny, Moore once again dares to say what is on everyone’s minds surrounding the controversy of 9/11 and the Bush Administration. This movie has balls of steel, and deserves more respect than it received.

2) GARDEN STATE—The best comedy of the year was made by… the Scrubs guy??? Forget Sideways and Kinsey, Garden State is the real winner this year, although no one wants to admit it. A terrific script and hilarious performances make this baby a true winner with adults of all kinds. Garden State not only made me laugh a lot… it made me appreciate being alive.

1) MILLION DOLLAR BABY—This was a tough call between this and Garden State, but in the end, I had to give the top spot to my man Clint. With his wisdom and subtlety, Eastwood takes a simple premise and turns it into a fine work of the human spirit. The actors in this film get a tight grasp on your attention and emotions very quickly… and never let go. Morgan Freeman gives the performance of a life-time, and Swank is amazing as always. The only film this year that actually deserves an Oscar sweep.

HONORABLE MENTION

BLADE: TRINITY—Despite a weak ending, it featured some of the most mind-blowing action sequences ever created for a vampire flick. [Ed. Note: Clint is just saying this to irritate me.]

THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK—A very intriguing anti-hero epic. Nice follow-up to Pitch Black.

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN—The best of the series thus far. Potter’s growing up, and so is the franchise.

MAN ON FIRE—It’s a matter of simple mathematics. Denzel+ lots of guns = one kick-ass movie.

SPIDER-MAN 2—This baby has it all. Quite possibly the most entertaining comic book movie ever made.

CLINT’S BOTTOM TEN OF 2004

10) ALEXANDER—Wow… this guy led a pretty interesting life. Too bad we didn’t get to see any of it.

9) CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS—You know, I still can’t figure out why Tim Allen isn’t a bigger star…

8) SEED OF CHUCKY—Loved the Chucky series, but I don’t count this one. Not even God knows what this director was smoking.

7) SURVIVING CHRISTMAS—I survived this movie! I should win an award. Ben, quit acting while you still have your digni… well… just quit. That’s two-for-two for the Christmas season.

6) VAN HELSING—A vicious vortex that sucks you in with an entertaining opening then spits you right back out with a big “fuck you.”

5) WHITE CHICKS—Only white chicks would be stupid enough to think this is funny.

4) MR. 3000—Only black chicks (who like Bernie Mac) would be stupid enough to think this is funny.

3) CATWOMAN—Hands-down the best comedy of the year. I actually enjoyed my half-hour bathroom break.

2) ANACONDAS: HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID—You know a movie is saying something when the most annoying character in the history of cinema gets eaten by a snake… then gets spit back out for more torture to the audience.

1) THE WHOLE TEN YARDS—This film should be used as a prescription drug, because I actually went numb somewhere along the line. Peeing on the poster when leaving did make me feel better though.

DISHONORABLE MENTION

MY BABY’S DADDY—Must…not…compare…with… baby… shit…

OPEN WATER—Much like the characters, it was dead in the water.

THE PERFECT SCORE—The most ruined creative idea of 2004.

TORQUE—Academy Award Winner Ice Cube couldn’t save this?

WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT—Gene Hackman and Ray Romano should team up more often. I always wanted to change the title to “Welcome to the End Credits.”

CLINT’S TOP TEN ANTICIPATED FILMS OF 2005

10) THE RINGER—Johnny Knoxville poses as a retard to rig the Special Olympics. The outside of me has remained quiet, but on the inside I’m laughing my ass off.

9) WAR OF THE WORLDS—Cruise and Spielberg did a pretty damn good job on Minority Report, so I’m anxious to see what they do with one of the most popular Sci-Fi novels of all-time. Do I feel a classy Independence Day coming on?

8) THE TRANSPORTER 2—The first one was absolutely absurd, but it had some of the most original action sequences since Face/Off. And this time it has some American filmmakers behind it. All hail Jason Statham.

7) CONSTANTINE—The trailer looks uber-creepy, and gives me that dark feeling I love (ala The Crow and Blade). Throw the luscious Rachel Weisz into the mix and you’re bound to have a classic.

6) UNDERWORLD 2—The most underrated action flick of 2003 has finally spawned a much-needed sequel. Let’s see what these guys can do with more money in their budget.

5) THE WEDDING CRASHERS—Just the premise of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson crashing weddings to get laid had me rolling out of my chair… and then I saw the trailer.

4) STAR WARS: EPISODE III—REVENGE OF THE SITH—Sure, I hate George Lucas as much as the next non-geek, and I was extremely disappointed with Attack of the Clones. But how can you possibly ruin the Great Jedi Hunt? All you have to do is show me lots of light saber battles and I’ll be happy. Ditto for the rest of America.

3) MR. AND MRS. SMITH—Two of the most attractive people on the planet play husband and wife assassins assigned to kill each other. If this isn’t A-Class material then I don’t know what is. Goosebumps are shooting down my spine right now as I think of scenes from True Lies.

2) THE LEGEND OF ZORRO—I don’t know about you guys, but I thought The Mask of Zorro had it all: comedy, action, romance, drama and class. It’s about damn time someone green-lit this baby.

1) BATMAN BEGINS—If you ask me about my opinion on the upcoming movie season, all I can think about is the Bat Signal shining down upon me. This is the Year of the Bat my friends, and I’ve caught the fever. A Batman fan since day 1, I’ve been waiting 8 long years for another flick, and 10 years for a GOOD one. Not to mention the trailer made me cream my pants.

Also of interest…

BEWITCHED—Will Ferrell as Darrin. Nuff said.

FANTASTIC FOUR—Jessica Alba in tights with explosions. Nuff said.

SIN CITY—Jessica Alba in tights + Bruce Willis with a gun. Nuff said.

SPY HUNTER—John Woo and The Rock. Nuff said.

THE WEATHERMAN—Great Chicago backdrop and features the funniest line of 2005 thus far: “No one messes with me anymore. Maybe that’s because I carry a bow and arrow around.” -Nicolas Cage

Clint Fletcher is a Chicago screenwriter and filmmaker and he knows what he’s talking about.



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