FilmMonthly » yuloff.hank

I Like Going to the Movie Theatre

yuloff.hank — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I love going to the movie theater. There is something special about seeing a movie on the big screen, in a packed house where the smell of buttery popcorn fills the air. Whether it be at the IMAX, AMC, or your small local theater chain, seeing a movie at the theater should be a pleasant experience. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are plenty of douchebags and annoying scenarios that can ruin anyone’s movie going experience. This is a list of if just that.
Annoying Cell Phone Guy
There are few people in a movie theater that will piss you off like the idiot that talks on his cell phone and lets his phone ring during the movie. Even though this has been addressed by messages via slides in the movie theater before the previews start as well as commercials featuring famous directors (Martin Scorsese), it still is a problem. Letting your #@!&$% crappy ring tone ring for an entire minute during a movie does not impress anyone. If you let this happen, you are probably beat up in school and no one likes you. People like this should be beaten. Theaters should follow the rules of Los Angeles’s Arclight and just kick them out immediately. People that usually do this are a) single b) illiterate and c) have some sort of criminal record.
Idiot Parent who brings baby into movie at night
If you can’t afford a baby sitter, you probably should not be in a movie theater. Seriously, you people can’t afford a measly 20 bucks or so to get someone to watch your kid for a few hours. Does your family hate you and want nothing to do with your kid? I just don’t get it. Don’t get me wrong, babies are cute and all, but when they start crying just as the film starts, you will do what anyone else would do. Turn your head around to see where the hell that sound just came from and start to get really, really pissed off and annoyed. You probably will silently curse the mother. I remember just as The Matrix Revolutions started, I heard a baby crying at an 11:30 pm showing. WTF people!!! You may not be angry with the baby, but instead your wrath will be focused on the idiot parent(s) who brought their child in the theater in the first place.
Stupid ass tall guy who sits right in front of you
This really isn’t that much of a problem anymore considering the fact that most theaters nowadays are stadium style seating on a bit of slant, but it still can happen. Sometimes even if you are early to the show, and sit down 20 minutes prior, some clueless Joe will stroll into the theater and plop right in front of you when the entire #@#@$# theater is empty. Maybe these people just need a hug because this type of behavior screams for attention. The only attention that this type of person shall receive is a brutal ass kicking, Jason Bourne style. People that are super tall should be forced to sit in the back of the theater. But again, this isn’t that much of an issue anymore with nice theaters.
Scum of the earth people who talk during the movie
This is my #1 pet peeve and really can ruin anyone’s movie going experience. People that #$#%## talk during a movie should be tortured; this is simply inexcusable. You are not in your living room, you are not at your friends house, so shut the hell up. Sometimes the elderly might be confused on what is going on and converse with one another. Not excusable! I don’t care what age you are, you shut your damn mouth in the theater. It is rude, it is inconsiderate, and if you partake in this type of behavior, you probably were raised in a jungle or your parents kept you in a cage and you talk in the theater as a cry for help. At Los Angeles’s Arclight, you are kicked out for this type of animalistic behavior. I personally believe people should be fined hundreds of dollars for this type of idiotic behavior. I did not pay my hard earned money on a ticket and popcorn to listen to a stranger run his mouth. There are few things that can get me quite as angry as this.
Assclown who unwraps candy and eats loudly during movie
Buying goodies from the concession stand goes hand in hand with seeing a movie, but like anything, there is a certain etiquette that needs to be followed. Most of the time people will behave, but there are always those few absent-minded people who decide to open the most tightly wrapped candy or chomp away on popcorn with their mouth open halfway into the movie. Seriously, why do people wait to eat candy or whatever an hour into a movie? Isn’t the point to eat it after you sit or during the previews. You figure after an hour or people would be done eating whatever they bought. Seriously now, didn’t people stop chewing with their mouth open at age 7? It isn’t necessary to eat your food like a barbarian or a dog, it doesn’t make the food taste any better.
Dude who keeps leaving his eat during the movie
This especially sucks if you happened to sit near the very end of the row. You know this type of guy, someone who has the bladder of a 5-year-old girl or that tub who needs to refill his popcorn and drink 3 times because they are ‘free’. It probably isn’t a good idea to refill a large popcorn (the only type you can refill) when it is made with anti-heart oil and butter. But whatever the reason is, it is not ok to get up numerous times during a movie. You piss all the people off you have to say ‘excuse me’ to, especially if you are doing it repeatedly. I personally would trip a person if he kept getting up and sitting down. Those people who have to take ‘important calls’, just #$$&#*@@! leave already. What is the point on missing random 5-minute segments, why see the movie in the first place. I feel like throwing a brick at these people.
Douchebag who keeps kicking/bumping your chair during the movie
This is definitely up there with things that piss me off the most in a theater. For whatever reason, some people think its ok to bump or move their feet in a way where it nudges the seat in front of them. To all assclowns: people can feel you bump our chairs when you partake in this extremely aggravating behavior. It isn’t funny or nice to repeatedly bump the chair ahead of you. I don’t care if you have arthritis in your knees and have to stretch them out, either don’t do it at all and suck it up or do it in a way where you don’t touch my #**$#*$(#( chair. How would you like it if I poked you in the eye? You probably wouldn’t like it very much, so leave my chair alone. I don’t even care if it is a large person sitting in the chair and they are accidentally kicking my chair. Cut back on the buttered popcorn and watch the damn movie from home. Just don’t touch my chair. I believe in karma, and I think if you kick people’s chairs you are in for an ass beatin’.
Parasites who save 17 seats in a really crowded movie theater.
Even the nicest of people can be pissed off when this happens. Your hands are full in a packed theater and you eye 4 seats sort of in the back of the theater and you are just about to walk down the row and some messy haired parasites say “we are holding these seats for our friends”. Theater seats should be first come first serve. It is one thing to save a seat or maybe two for people in the bathroom or someone running late, but it is not ok to save a bunch of seats during a crowded show. If you can’t get your butt in the theater at a reasonable time, you aren’t that interested in seeing it, plain and simple. If you were that interested, you wouldn’t have your friend save 8 seats by placing his stupid windbreaker over two seats and repeating “These seats are saved”. LAME.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

yuloff.hank — Wed, 21 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

My enthusiasm for this flick was not very high, because I didn’t really like or hate the first installment–it was just decent. Also, this trailer didn’t really do much for me. And you know what they say: your instinct is usually right. It was in this case.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian can be a fun film at times, but mainly it’s an empty and uneven moviegoing experience. Much the like the first installment, some of these kids are just not very strong actors. William Moseley as Peter Pevensie is easily the weakest of the four, failing to generate any emotion with the audience. The slow-motion shots of him yelling “charge” are laughable. That is cutting-room floor material, folks. Ben Barnes as Prince Caspian seems to be the poor-man’s Orlando Bloom and comes across as totally out of place. I found the accent to be annoying.
The story begins as the Jean Reno-looking King Miraz wants to be the King of Narnia, and on the day of his son’s birth, he sends his henchmen to kill Prince Caspian. Caspian flees to the forest and is given shelter by some Narnians. The four kids are then plunged back into Narnia and discover hundreds of years have passed since their last visit. They quickly change into Narnian-like clothes and engage in combat right away. The film’s lackadaisical approach on how prepubescent kids can be experts with swords and bows and fight grown men gives the film a real cheese flavor, which I am sure they were not going for.
The story jumps from one subplot to the next without hammering home any real development besides making King Miraz an über-evil villain. He really does look like Jean Reno’s brother. Some of the plot-jumping feels awkward. After the film, the group of friends who I saw it with informed me that this was a poor adaptation and that certain sequences were just made up and had no relation to the book at all. Maybe this is why I had so many questions about the story afterward. This, also, is probably the reason why the story feels so uneven. The movie does build up steam as you watch it, but it has too many hiccups that prevent it from connecting with you on an emotional level.
The CGI ranges from absolutely terrible to passable. We all know Jurassic Park still looks better than most of the CGI out today, but for an epic franchise such as this one, it is a shame they didn’t hire the folks at Industrial Light and Magic. Some of the effects look Ghost Rider bad. The only two really well-done effects were of the Lion and the water battle near the end.
The epic, wannabe-Gladiator battle at the end is poorly executed and keeps cutting away from the fight to show other stuff going on in the story, which totally destroys any excitement or momentum. A very poor editing choice. The entire fight, I just kept thinking, “Wow, that is straight out of Gladiator.”
One can only wonder just how great this franchise might have been if put in the hands of someone else. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian is too poorly executed and uninspired to be considered anything above average. The film is handled with kid gloves, evident of the PG rating, and has too many cheesy one liners, and sappy emotional scenes. This series should have been handled with the same maturity as The Lord of the Rings. Instead, it is relegated to your average movie going experience, which is sure to disappoint the Narnia fan base. I don’t think I will be seeing the third film of this series. Instead, I will read the books, something I should have done in the first place.
Grade: 2 stars out of 5

Speed Racer

yuloff.hank — Mon, 12 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

To me, The Wachowski Brothers are as synonymous to the word ‘genius’ as they are to the phrase ‘epic failure.’ After the colossal disappointment that everyone shared after watching The Matrix Revolutions, they turned around and created the masterpiece that is V for Vendetta, one of the greatest comic-book films of all time. So my expectations were pretty high riding into this one, based solely on the fact that the Wachowskis were involved. I never really watched Speed Racer prior to the film, so going in, I really didn’t know what to expect. Based on what I thought was an excellent first trailer and a bunch of my friends saying it was going to suck, was I disappointed?
Imagine melting down a bag of Skittles, then injecting them into your veins. The result is the world created in Speed Racer, an acid trip where everything is painted with watercolors. I’ve never seen anything like it. The Wachowskis are masters at telling a story through visuals, their style is arguably one of the best in all of cinema. With Speed Racer, they have truly created a spectacle. Every scene is filled with such vibrant colors, you almost need sunglasses to watch it.
But like all movies, visuals can carry you only so far. That is where Speed Racer has a handful of problems. Unless you are a fan of the original anime TV show, you probably will be confused more than once throughout the movie. The plot starts out simple enough, with Speed Racer (Emile Hirsch) trying to  beat the ghost time of his brother, via hologram, around a popular racetrack. The event is televised and Speed does so well, he catches the eye of Royalton (Roger Allam), a greedy and evil racing tycoon who seems to own everything that deals with racing. Speed must then decide on whether to join such a huge brand name, or stick with his family’s company, created by his Dad. The story becomes far less cloudy from here, and involves Mafioso type figures, a strange racer appropriately titled Racer X (Matthew Fox), a bunch of flashbacks, and some subplot about an investigation into Royalton.
The problem is the plot is just too big for its own good. It is like if you try to eat 12 pieces of pizza when you can only eat seven–things won’t work out very well and will eventually get messy. The flashbacks are utilized to strengthen Speed’s character, as well as his family and girlfriend, Trixie (Christina Ricci), but the rest of the many characters go undeveloped. Too much is going on, and the story moves so poorly that you will want certain scenes just to end. More than once during the film, I felt like I needed to see the source material before watching this. Racer X is poorly developed and sort of just pops up in the story, along with his entire subplot.
Another thing I was not prepared for is that the film is essentially a kid’s movie. The rating (PG) is something I didn’t really think about heading in. Much of the humor is geared towards children. Half of it works, half of it doesn’t. On a few occasions I winced because of the heavy cheese and sappy dialogue. The acting is par for a film like this, but Matthew Fox as Racer X seems to be a hit or miss, depending on the scene. His monotone delivery of lines seemed beyond puzzling to me. Some of it reminded me of Michael Madsen’s non-acting in Sin City, except it was not nearly as bad as that. I am not sure if the original Racer X was an inspiration or not, but his voice pattern just seemed weird.
The racing scenes were also hit or miss, but they got stronger as the film went on. While the opening race lacked excitement or suspense, the last one made up for it in spades. For all the story problems that this film has, the climax is excellent. The final 15 minutes are worth seeing, and it is just a shame that the rest of the film couldn’t get on track until the last lap (I know, horrible pun). The visual effects are incredible and the action sequences are somewhat solid. The musical score is definitely a step down from their previous two films, which is surprising considering the music they had in the first trailer was perfect.
In all, I was definitely let down by Speed Racer. There were scenes that were well-executed, and while it was pretty to look at and had a surprisingly effective climax, the film was just bogged down by a seriously muddled plot line. Add in the cheese factor and so-so action scenes, and you have a film that really only appeals to the die-hards, the Speed Racer fanboys. The problems can mainly be found in the script. Speed Racer is like the gorgeous blonde trying to push open a door that says pull. Both are visually stunning. And… Yep, that’s it.
Grade: 2 stars out of 5

What ’24′ Needs for Season Seven to Rock

yuloff.hank — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 00:00:00 +0000

(So for reasons that defy logic, they have decided to inform the general public of a huge spoiler prior to the season that is found in the trailer (linked below). Most likely they did this in an effort to bring back the pissed off fans (and their are many) for the seventh season. They will most likely use this as a focal point of their ad campaign for the season (which looks like it will start in the fall…I hope), so we have to embrace this idea. It can go either way. The following article does not give any info about the trailer so it is safe to read for those that still want to be kept in the dark heading into season seven. Obviously though, if you aren’t up to date with the show, you’d be an idiot to read this.)

Season Seven Spoiler Teaser Trailer
Coming off season five, 24 was on a roll. Even after so many incredible seasons, the fifth installment of this franchise was one of the best the show had seen thus far and dominated the Emmy’s with 12 nominations, including a win for best dramatic series and best actor in Kiefer Sutherland.
What a difference a year can make. It is almost as if the writers’ strike happened last year with the way this season went. So after a massively disappointing sixth installment, which included both new highs (the four-hour premiere was perfect) and lows (repeated storylines) for the show, the pressure is on the writers to make the show addicting and fresh as it has always been.
So how are they going to do that? For a show that has been to so many places and woven so many twists, what does the seventh season of 24 need to again be considered the most addictive thing that isn’t crack? I’ll break it down for you.
First and foremost:
STOP REPEATING STORYLINES
How many times can you bomb CTU? I mean, the terrorists in season six snuck through the sewer to get into the building. Are you fucking kidding me? Talk about lazy-ass writing. It is a great thing they are getting rid of CTU in season seven, and even though I love the place, it has been the most attacked government building of all time. You’d think they would have beefed up security after season two. Repeated storylines helped doom season six to the lackluster land of mediocrity. Here is what needs to be avoided in season seven:

The Mole/Fake Mole

It has been done to death, and I can’t see how they can conceivably pull off another believable traitor-esque situation. It seems there has been a mole in every season, along with the Gael version of a mole, where he turns out to be working with Jack all along (see season three). This should not be a problem to eliminate, especially considering the fact Jack Bauer should be on his own.
Stupid Subplots
Kim Bauer had a few (remember the cougar?), to Erin Driscoll’s daughter that we didn’t give a shit about (I was glad when she killed herself), the writers cannot inject time-fillers that just eat up clock in between action scenes. They need to go back and examine on what made seasons one, two, and five so perfect. Don’t write in bullshit filler subplots, because all it does is anger the fans. I’d like to punch the writer in the face whose idea it was to have Chloe babysit Chase’s baby at CTU. The baby subplot was ridiculous and belonged in Days of Our Lives, not 24.
The Power Trip
This also has been done to death. From George Mason (R.I.P.), to Noah Daniels (Powers Boothe) in season six, newly appointed people go on massive power trips, throwing logic out the window and making personal vendettas a priority. Making irrational decisions after being appointed to new position makes little sense to me. This, again, should be easy to take out of this upcoming season, since Jack should not be working for a government agency.
Overthrowing the President
This needs to stop. From secret congressional hearings, assassination attempts, bombings, and shooting down Air Force One (which was awesome!), this territory has been completely covered. The president needs to be left alone. If I was the president, I would love Jack Bauer, but man, you got to keep your distance. Friendship with Jack Bauer, when you are the president, has led to some really bad situations.
Important Governmental Aid Being Manipulated
Again, this has been done a few times. From David Palmer’s idiot assistant and Noah’s manipulation skills to the pussy-ass fighter jet pilot, weaker-minded individuals should not be employed by waste management, let alone the higher branches of our government.
The Important Person/Witness Gets Assassinated
You know how this goes. That mysterious person is finally found and caught, moments away from safety or helicopter rescue, only to be sniped/killed/poisoned minutes after being in Jack’s custody.
Side Characters Who Have Relatives in Peril
Enough with a sick aunt or a crazy daughter already, we don’t care about side character’s families. If they were important, they would make them a main character. If, after 13 episodes, some side character’s mom is sick, then fuck ‘em. I don’t care about your mother because the story doesn’t care enough about you. Understand?
Bad CGI
This really only has happened a few times on the show (most notably, the fall Marwan takes out of a building in season four), but for a show that has a pretty large budget by TV standards, they need to avoid the pitfalls on making that mistake. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the stunts are awesome, but occasionally, it will look just too damn cheesy. The last one I can think of happened in season five, where they shot down the missile near the finale, and the explosion looked like something I could make in Photoshop.
Stop leaving potential storylines unexplored
What ever happened to the people that Nina Myers worked for overseas in season one? How exactly were they connected with the Drazens’ that were so hellbent on killing Jack in every which way? The writers need to stop leaving certain storylines unanswered. In much the way season six never really addressed the fact that Jack’s family was basically a bunch of terrorists, they need to stop presenting ideas and never fully running with them or addressing them. Make a choice, stick to it, and ride it to the end. You cannot present eight story paths and only touch on a little bit of each.
There are other cities besides Los Angeles
Seriously, stop attacking the same city already. There are tons of cities that have potential, and in season five they seriously went out of their way for that missile to try and hit L.A. Come on, people, pick a new city. In the world of Jack Bauer, Los Angeles needs a break.

For a show that has been on as long as 24 has, it is difficult to stay at the top of their game without running into previous patterns. Here are a few possible ideas on what could make the seventh season rock. So trying to run with the previously established notion created in the trailer, here they are:
WARNING!! The following does contain spoilers about season seven found in the trailer at the beginning of this column. Do not read ahead if you haven’t watched it.

There needs to be a tragic ending this season. Season five killed nearly every character we knew, and there really is only Chloe and Buchanan left. Does Fox have the balls to end the show this season with Jack dying in the final episode? Probably not, since Kiefer’s contract extends past this year, but I would love to see a dark ending to the season, something we have not had since season two.
There needs to be a huge twist. So we get it, we have to swallow the idea that Tony Almeida somehow faked his death, is angry at the world, and now has turned heel and wants money or something from the government that will help ease his pain. But the Tony-turned-terrorist twist can’t be the only one. In the end, will Jack have what it takes to kill his best friend? He did shoot Curtis down in the absolutely shocking four-hour season six premiere, but this is Tony, a friend and colleague from day one who has saved his life on more than one occasion. The battle between them has to be of epic proportions. What would make Jack kill Tony? Maybe Tony kills Kim, as that would be an uber-evil move, especially for Tony. If they don’t add a dynamic into this picture that I’m not seeing, it would be like that scene from Point Break all over again, where Jack lets Tony escape. Can Jack kill Tony?
Film a huge car chase scene. There hasn’t been any epic Ronin or Bourne Supremacy-style car chases in this action series, and I think it is time for one. Can you imagine Jack Bauer behind the wheel of a super-sleek sports car going 200, in a massive shootout with cars crashing all over the place? Yeah, that would rock.
Bauer needs to be on his own. Limit the calling to Chloe or whomever to get him out of a tight jam. We known he needs some help from time to time, but I want to see Jack fly solo, especially with CTU out of the picture. Jack being Jack, with no one to say he is breaking protocol.
Up the ante with the torture scenes. I want more painful, sadistic and creative ways to hurt people. One of my personal favorites is when he is torturing Sayid-Ali in season two on what appears to be a live feed via satellite of Ali’s family. It then shows his son being executed. Not! The pretend game of “I kill your family” was absolutely brutal to watch. I can still hear Jack screaming, “TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS.” The torture scenes need to be improved in a big way.
What if Jack has nothing to live for? If Kim somehow manages to die in this season, really, what would Jack have left? The end of season six cemented the fact that Jack will never ever be again involved romantically. His love life is dead, his wife is dead, he family is dead, can you imagine how insane Jack Bauer would be if Kim died? I think that would make for a crazy situation that would throw his logic out the window and he’d do something really fuckin’ stupid. Again, you would have to add something to make something, and that would involve killing his daughter. I am not sure the writers would do this though, but maybe they are saving that as a way to end this show. If the government was somehow accidentally responsible for his daughter’s death, that is really the only way I can see Jack killing the person responsible no matter what the cost, even his own life.
Set a goal, and stick to it. After Bauer killed Fayed in season six, it seemed to deflate, as they then tried to incorporate that plot, the Chinese, and Bauer’s dad into the final stretch of the season. It was too much. If it is Jack vs. Tony, keep it that way until the finale. Sure, you can have pieces to get you there, but buildup is key. When you achieve that goal with 18 episodes, what the hell are you going to do with the last six episodes? You can’t throw in some last-second subplot and have that be the focal point for the finale. Pace the season properly, and have the Jack vs. Tony showdown end with the finale.
Explore new avenues. Encrypted key cards, EMPs, security camera footage–this has been done before. The outline of the plot from the season seven trailer does remind one of Live Free or Die Hard, but there still are plenty of fresh angles to work with. If I can think of new avenues for the plot to move towards, I’d hope the writers can.
People are now expecting the unexpected, because that is what the show is known for. You are always guessing and second guessing who could be bad or what will happen next. They need a Sixth Sense-ian trick to get the audience to watch where they point their wand, and have the truth somewhere hidden. It is going to be hard to do this after 144 episodes, but for this season to work, they better have something special up there sleeve.

The Clock Is Ticking for ’24′…

yuloff.hank — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 00:00:00 +0000

Warning: The following article contains spoilers on 24 and it would be smart to read without being completely caught up with the show. It also contains information on the season seven trailer, which can be found at www.24trailer.com.
24 is one of the most original, innovative, and groundbreaking shows in television history. The action, plot twists, real-time setting, and characters all help make 24 arguably the most addicting show of all-time. They set the bar on what season finales should be. With all the accolades the show has won, to the enormous cult following, Jack Bauer has become a part of pop culture. Did you know that Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk?
But the show is now in its seventh season, and the burning question that remains is how much longer can this show last? Viewers know that 24 is one of Fox’s flagship shows, but this is the same company responsible for canceling Arrested Development, Family Guy, and running X-Files into the ground with far too many seasons. As innovative as the real-time setting is, there is only so much you can work with before each twist and turn has already been covered. While season five dominated the Emmy awards, earning the show best drama, season six was a big letdown, a first for this show (although the four-hour premiere was easily the best of the series).
Season six was plagued with rehashed storylines, twists we had either already seen or just went a bit too far. The story stretched into far too many directions without really cementing any angle or fully explaining them. The rehashed include threatening to replace the president (season two), assassination attempt (seasons one and two), office aid being manipulated by a spy (season one), alleged moles in CTU (too many seasons), and the attack on CTU (season two). (But seriously now, how the hell did they get into CTU by going through the sewers?)
You can’t pull off a stunt like this more than once on 24 and still stay on top as television’s most exciting show. After a down year, the pressure is on the writers to bring the show back to high bar that it has set for itself. So what does Fox do for season seven? It announces a zany twist publicly to bring back the beloved Tony Almeida, a character that was killed by Christopher Henderson in season five. It wasn’t like Tony was shot then crawled off screen never to be seen again. He was stabbed with an overdose of a truth serum and then it rolled off in what it appeared to be a body bag on a stretcher. The only odd thing about the sequence of events that Tony was never given the silent ticking clock, which led some fans to believe Tony may still somehow be alive. But people, come on now, he was in a frickin’ body bag!
There is no way that Almeida could have been working with Christopher Henderson, as Henderson was responsible for trying to kill him, and murdering his wife and David Palmer. So how is Tony alive? He had the man responsible for all these crimes at his grasp, so playing the angle “I wanted people to think I was dead” is garbage. I have no idea how the writers are going to pull this off.
And why would Fox release such a huge twist before the season has even started? It is probably because they wanted to lure back fans it lost from a subpar season six. Many 24 fans are die-hard, even a big part of me wants to see Tony back on the show. But he was killed off, and it is ridiculous to bring him back. But I’ll go with it. Like any show, there are a few flaws and 24 has seen its share. They include the ridiculous baby subplot of season three, Kim Bauer and the cougar, and etc. But like I said before, I’ll go with it.
A few weeks ago, I had a lengthy conversation with fellow writer Clint Fletcher on whether bringing Tony back from the dead was great or disastrous. He hinted loosely at the possibility that they announced such a twist publicly because they were saving part two of the twist for last, which would make Tony a villain. I didn’t buy this at all, but admitted they could possibly make room to do it since they brought him back from the grave. We both agreed and hoped that this would never happen.
Well, on Thursday at 1 PM EST, the 24 trailer for season seven was released on www.24trailer.com, and if you don’t want to know anymore about season seven, I would stop reading right now, as the following few paragraphs contain some major plot points derived from the trailer.
The trailer shows Tony Almeida back, but as a villain. What the #@$((#!!!!!!! After everything Jack has done for Tony, and everything Tony has done for his country, he decides to become a terrorist? Come on, now! The season’s plot looks like it was taken from Live Free or Die Hard, in which terrorists try to shut down the infrastructure of the United States. So not only is this setting unoriginal, the writers want us to buy bringing Tony back from the dead, and becoming a villain? The last time Tony took on Jack he received a busted ankle (see below in season two, episode 16) This is just ridiculous. Sure, I am excited to see Tony back, but fighting against Jack? Come on, Jack is like 3403-0 against bad guys.
And when did Tony decide to become a bad guy? After he somehow survived being injected with an overdose of chemicals? I really would love to see this storyline work, as 24 is an incredible show. But the odds against the writers are quite high. Explaining Tony’s miraculous survival, and sudden reemergence as a terrorist may suggest the show has jumped the shark. I really hope season seven rocks and I am totally wrong about all this.
Will I be watching season seven when it premieres January 13? You bet your ass I will. But the ingredients for disaster are well in the making. Robert Cochran and Joel Surnow need to end the show before it runs itself into the ground and becomes a joke. Even if season seven sucks total ass, Keifer Sutherland’s contract doesn’t expire until after season eight. The great shows know when it is time to call it a day. LOST has already announced season six will be its last. Seinfeld, The Sopranos, and The Shield (last season is next year) all bowed out at the top of their game. As much as everyone loves 24, no one wants to see it become one of those shows where people ask, “Why is that show still on the air?” There are only so many terrorists you can torture, and twists you can weave in a real time format. The clock is ticking for 24, and hopefully it knows when it should say goodbye.

Halloween

yuloff.hank — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 00:00:00 +0000

At least Rob Zombie is consistent. With his third horror film, the re-imagining of the classic Halloween joins his other two films as decrepit wastes of time. With his MTV editing style and love for explicit violence, he succeeds in following the many clichés laid before him and does very little to resurrect a franchise that should have been left for dead to begin with.
With this entry, the ninth film in the series, Zombie created a new angle to open the story with. We see Michael Myers as a child in a paint-by-numbers “bad environment.” He is picked on at school, his wheelchair bound father calls him bad names and he spends his time locked in his room killing animals for no real reason. This could have been an excellent angle to take with a franchise like this when each previous entry is merely a copy and paste of previous ones, showing only new ways to kill Michael Myers and more innocents to slay. Zombie hammers his audience with over-the-top situations that suggest “this is why Michael Myers is crazy.” From the first time we lay eyes on young Michael, he has a mask on. This is never really justifiably explained, other than the fact he is crazy (which has already been established in previous films).
All your “psycho” stereotypes are present, and Zombie fails in developing his star character’s youth. We get to see a young Michael brutally kill his father, sister and sister’s boyfriend, and it all seems forced. This is probably an unfair comparison, but the Bond franchise was seriously sagging, so they recreated it from the ground up, giving us a gritty Bourne-esque Bond that rejuvenated the franchise. While Halloween is trite compared to Bond, if Zombie really wanted to do anything other than make a shitty sequel to join the list of seven others, he would have done something different with this film. Alas, he does not.
So Michael grows up in a psych ward, and is counseled by Dr. Samuel Loomis (Malcolm McDowell). He spends 17 years there, growing into a seven-foot giant of a man, bearing an uncanny resemblance to the WWF wrestler Kane, who is one big dude. This is quite odd since both of his parents are about 5’8″. Michael spends much of his time in the ward making masks, which he is actually pretty good at. He’s better at killing people, though.
Of course, Michael breaks out, kills everyone and proceeds to try and track down his kid sister, killing everyone he meets along the way. How does he find out where his sister lives? For someone who hasn’t spoken in 15 years, that is amazing. Maybe he had Internet access in the ward.
Even after he has been locked up all this time, Michael manages to drag his victims to secret caves or holes in the ground and light them with professionally cut pumpkins and perfectly placed candles. Of course, many horror films definitely need the suspension of disbelief button to enjoy them, but this is a special case: as Michael gets stabbed in the neck with a butcher knife, shot about 10 times in the back, head, and chest, falls off a two story house onto the ground, none of which do any good to kill him. How do you spell lame? Oh yeah: R-O-B-Z-O-M-B-I-E. The story plays out in a predictable fashion, and you never really know why Michael wants to meet up with his sister, but more than likely it is just to kill her.
The acting, overall, is terrible. The young actor playing Michael looks creepy enough, but can’t act very well, sort of like James Spader. The only bright spots in the acting department are two young kids, probably no older than seven or eight, who get trapped in one of the houses Michael is in. The action pieces go on for far too long, never really creating enough suspense to be scary. The violence is plentiful, but again never used to scare the audience. Case in point, Michael takes a small knife and stabs a man to the wall, lifting him off the ground. The man is like 200 pounds, and the small butter knife somehow holds him. It should not be comical to the point of a parody. The film feels longer than its running time, mainly because the slow first half was devoted to trying to develop Michael’s younger self. The dialogue sucks. How can Zombie write quality music and be totally inept at writing passable dialogue for a horror flick? It makes no sense. They reused a classic line from the first Halloween in such a inane way the entire audience laughed.
Halloween is an absolutely horrendous movie that no one should want to see unless you are a Halloween nut job who hasn’t learned a thing with the last seven shitty sequels. It isn’t scary, contains bad acting with nearly every horror cliché, and does nothing new to ‘”re-imagine” this story.
Grade: D-

Strike!

yuloff.hank — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 00:00:00 +0000

The last time the Writers Guild of America (WGA) went on strike was nearly twenty years ago, back in 1988 in which a 5 month work stoppage delayed the start of the fall TV season and cost the industry a half a billion dollars. But starting in a month or so, October 31st to be exact, the threat of another strike is a possibility that is looming over Hollywood. Currently, writers do not receive any type of royalties for their work when it appears online or on wireless platforms.
The Writers Guild’s basic demands are that they would like to be compensated for their work when it is displayed on non traditional media like the internet, ipods, and downloads. They should receive residuals for when a movie is displayed on TV, when a TV show goes into syndication, and receive greater DVD and videocassette residuals. Other basic elements like increased caps on company pension and better health benefits are included in their demands.
Talks began back on July 16 with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP), but not much ground has been made between the two groups. If the Writers Guild does strike, it would give the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) and the Directors Guild of America (DGA) more incentive to take a hard line negotiating stance in 2008, where their current film-TV contract expires June 30th. But the likely scenario is that all three of these unions will strike together.
Studios have been rushing projects into production, far greater than in recent year to coincide with the the expiration of the above contracts mentioned. They are preparing to have as many projects completed by that date. A temporary extension for the WGA is a possibility, which would most likely instruct their members to continue working under the previous terms so that they can get a better deal after the SGA and DGA do their talking in July of next year. A three-pronged strike could seriously hurt the industry, as each union wants a better cut of the new revenue pie.
The strike would definitely give indie directors and producers better opportunities, but to what extent still remains to be seen. As far as television goes, the rush into production for the fall has seen a big surge in reality television, as studios are planning to air shows without ‘writers.’ FOX for example, does not have a scripted show in their fall lineup on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. This probably means that a lot of shitty television will end up getting aired. The same could be true for movies. Obvious with any ‘rush’ job, the quality of the product could be damaged. The last time a strike happened, was in 2001, where we saw duds like Men In Black 2, Reign of Fire, and Planet of the Apes.
Writers are far less powerful than actors and directors, and since their deadline is far sooner than the other two, studios have been stockpiling scripts in case the WGA goes on strike and the SAG and DGA do not. A potential strike crossfire would be a nasty situation. This has caused many writers to take jobs they aren’t thrilled about, trying to cash in while they can before the deadline. In a worst case scenario for the writers, if they somehow end up on the short side of the stick while the DGA and SAG don’t, everyone’s favorite shows like LOST, 24, and Heroes will diminish in quality. Old scripts, rejected ideas, things of that nature would be used to continue the stories. Hopefully, it does not come to that. TV Studios have tried to avoid this but airing a larger number of episodes to hold them over. Thirty episodes of The Office, 28 episodes of My Name is Earl, and 22 episodes for Law & Order have all been arranged for the fall lineup, a far greater number than in previous years.
For the time being we will just have to wait and see how this plays out. Assuming the WGA holds out till June 30th of 2008, Hollywood could be facing a multi-fronted strike that would literally stop the industry for the time being.

Sicko

yuloff.hank — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 00:00:00 +0000

Whether you like Michael Moore or not, the man has a penchant for creating conversation about important political topics that matter in America. He does that in Sicko in spades. Far less biased than his last documentary, Fahrenheit 9/11, this takes a scathing look at the United States’ healthcare system, the only wealthy and industrialized nation that does not provide coverage for all of its citizens.
In this documentary we see a different Michael Moore. He has toned down a bit, and actually doesn’t appear until the end of the first hour. He lets the examples speak for themselves. We see numerous cases on how this current healthcare system is failing us. Nearly 50 million Americans have no coverage. 18,000 of us die each year because our healthcare plan does not cover what we need to stay alive.
Story after story, Moore shows us tragic examples of family members who have lost their lives because their HMOs rejected their claim. Then there is the story of a man who accidentally cuts off the top of two of his fingers while operating a power saw. His HMO puts a price on each finger, 60 thousand for one, and 12 thousand for the other. What type of nation do we live in where stuff like this happens every day?
A former health insurance employee explains to us that companies actually look at it as a loss when they are forced to pay for citizens bills. Certain insurance companies actually rewarded its employees who had the highest rejection rate. What type of system is that?
Moore shows the recorded conversation that took place in 1971 between Richard Nixon and John Ehrlichman discussing health maintenance organizations, the birth of HMOs, designed to make money and give less treatment to people. It is shocking that they actually say that. Then when Hillary Clinton tries to revamp the healthcare system after Clinton is elected president, 100 million dollars is spent in advertising to combat her ideals, which ultimately caused her defeat. She is now the second largest recipient in the Senate of health care industry contributions. In laymen’s terms, they bought her off. This is why there are 4 healthcare lobbyists for every 1 member of congress, an absolutely staggering number. These insurance companies make an ungodly amount of money at the expense of us. When our HMO won’t pay for treatment, some hospitals put people in cabs and drop them off in the middle of the street, disturbing video footage shown in Sicko.
But Moore importantly never suggests a solution to the problem. Instead, he glaringly points out all its flaws. By going overseas to various countries, every health care system he visits has a much better system than the United States in that every citizen is covered, regardless of their pay grade. This may be the reason why the U.S. is ranked 37th in health systems in the world. Various drugs in England only cost 10 dollars regardless of the amount. Moore takes a handful of 9/11 rescue workers who are not insured in America and sails to Cuba. One woman, who pays 240 dollars for her medication in the U.S., gets the same medicine for 5 cents. In Cuba, the access to their health care is universal. We also learn that the only free medical care you can get in the U.S is at Guantanamo Bay, where they hold some of the nation’s worst criminals, including al-Qaeda terrorists. We don’t take care of our own, yet we take care of terrorists? That doesn’t make much sense.
Michael Moore has created a humorous yet severely alarming documentary that should resonate with everyone that watches. Something needs to be done about our current health system, which is not working. This may be his best documentary. Whether you love him or hate him, you definitely will take notice at what he shows us here. Don’t miss this one.
Grade: A

The Condemned

yuloff.hank — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 00:00:00 +0000

With the emergence of The Rock as a bona fide action star, the WWF, or WWE or whatever they are calling it these days are desperately trying to create the next wrestler to movie star transition. But with the absolute failures of films like The Marine and See No Evil, how would The Condemned be anything other than a total crap fest?
Stone Cold Steve Austin stars as Jack Conrad, one of ten convicts sent to an island to fight to the death for their freedom. Last man standing gets a pardon. The island is rigged with hundreds of cameras to capture the action live via the internet, where people can log on and watch The Condemned. Undoubtedly inspired by films like Battle Royale, this violent action film tries to be far to serious for its own good, and its silly commentary on our society’s love for violence is so poorly executed, its laughable. When your film stars Stone Cold Steve Austin, it has nothing important to say.
And while the story/concept is a simple one, the narrative is bogged down by a boring subplot that no one cares about. Conrad, in the midst of all the action, decides to try and find a phone to call his wife. We then get to see them talk in scenes that go on for far to long and the story focuses on the wife when she really doesn’t have anything to do with the story. It is mainly fills the void between action sequences. The writers obviously had no idea how to do this effectively.
Much of the action, while being slightly entertaining, is ruined by the idiot director of photography and director who decided to shoot the action with extreme close ups and shaking the camera as much as possible. This isn’t the blair witch project. Writer/director Scott Wiper whose credentials include only straight-to-dvd- films has a flair for making total crap-fests. Highlights of the action include Stone Cold throwing an ankle bracelet bomb about a half a mile that lands in a helicopter, in the funniest shot of the film.
With films of this genre and boasting a cast of unknowns and a wrestling star, one shouldn’t expect much in the acting department, but come on now. When Vinnie Jones is out-acting everyone else on set, that probably isn’t a good thing. Stone Cold is embarrassingly bad. He makes Madonna look like Meryl Streep. He manages to ruin one-liners. Who does that? How is that even possible? It is a great thing his dialogue is kept to a minimum because he miss-pronounces the word ‘longitude’. Seeing how his character is a highly acclimated special operative in the military, you think the filmmakers would notice something like that. I guess bashing your brain in the wrestling ring for a decade is starting to take effect. The rest of the cast are cardboard cutouts, which is usually the case in films like these. No one really stands out, but Vinne Jones is always entertaining.
You shouldn’t go into the The Condemned expecting much. I would imagine no one with any bit of sanity would. If you love terrible acting, cheesy one-liners, sub-par action sequences, terrible subplots, and adore Stone Cold Steve Austin, than you’ll probably really love this film. I laughed my way through this one, and embraced its bad-ness, but it is not something anyone should watch unless you have no friends and still play with wrestling action figures.
Grade: D+

Epic Movie

yuloff.hank — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 00:00:00 +0000

This film is as funny as cancer.
And I mean that in the worst way possible.
In fact, there is nothing remotely positive I can say about Epic Movie, other than it being quite possibly one of the worst movies ever made. I’ve seen porn with a better plot. The Spanish channel makes more sense to me. I’d rather watch static on TV for two hours.
Screenwriters/directors Aaron Selzter and Jason Friedberg should be castrated. Their parents should disown them, and the government should use them as human guinea pigs to test diseases like the Ebola virus. They are responsible for all the fucking Scary Movie(s), Date Movie, this pile of dogshit, and the upcoming Scary Movie 5. They should take everyone one of these actors and throw them off a plane (well, you can spare Carmen Electra).
The fact that this movie was number-one at the box-office this past weekend angers me beyond words. You will lose brain cells by watching this. The Food and Drug Administration said it is the equivalent of smoking 16 ounces of marijuana at once.
There is nothing fucking funny about anybody imitating funny scenes in a movie you saw three months ago. It’s almost as bad as those lame ass NOW Volume 3994939! CDs.
Who wants a music compilation of radio songs six months old for 20 bucks? You’d think nobody, but they still fucking sell. The only people that buy them are the same that probably see this film. Well, fans of Epic Movie can take their NOW CD and shove it up their fucking asses.
The last great spoof movie(s) were The Naked Gun series. And someone could probably make a case for Hot Shots!, too. So if you are in the mood for that type of humor, watch one of those. Or go rent Airplane! But seriously, do not waste your time with this. If you see it after reading this, then you must be a masochist.
Parodying films like Willy Wonka, The Chronicles of Narnia, or movies that were just in the theater like Snakes on a Plane is exponentially lame. This is especially true when you have crap writers. The last time this genre was funny, Nirvana was still a band. Think about that for a second.
Twentieth Century Fox should be ashamed of themselves. It will take something monumentally shitty to top this incredible pile of steaming hot dog shit. I can’t believe there is someone out there that still has a job after saying, “Yeah, hey, this script is funny. I like it. Lets make this movie.” I ask you this: what the fuck is funny about this movie? Mr. Executive, deep down inside you must know this movie sucks. Yet you’ve lied to yourself and others about it. You’ve caused irreparable damage on the American public.
Even Jesus hates this movie.
Grade: F