Author Archive: kessler.john

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Illegal Aliens

Illegal Aliens

| April 22, 2007 | 0 Comments

This is Anna Nicole Smith’s last film (and I use that term loosely). If she hadn’t died, I doubt anyone would’ve ever taken notice of this wretched abomination to the movie world. Much like illegal aliens in reality, this flick should be banned from the United States. I mean no serious disrespect to the memory […]

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Blades of Glory

Blades of Glory

| April 1, 2007 | 0 Comments

Man, Will Ferrell is on a roll! First, Talladega Nights, then Stranger than Fiction (which I’ve heard nothing but good things about), and now this! Aside from Talladega and Elf, this is the funniest movie he’s done to date. A great concept–a male figure skating team–and a clever title can go a long way, and […]

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The Last Mailbag Ever!

The Last Mailbag Ever!

| April 1, 2007 | 0 Comments

As many of you have heard by now, this will be my last official Rant article. It’s been one hell of a ride over the years doing this column, and I know many of you will be devastated to the point of suicide that I am retiring. In order to successfully go out with a […]

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Short Takes – March 2007

Short Takes – March 2007

| March 1, 2007 | 0 Comments

Television Televangelist Ted Haggard announced a couple weeks ago that he is now “completely heterosexual” just weeks after being caught with a male prostitute. According to Haggard, it only took just three weeks of religious counseling to get him off the cock forever. When asked for a statement as to why he decided to commit […]

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Reno 911: Miami

Reno 911: Miami

| March 1, 2007

I’d like to start off by saying that I’m a big fan of Reno 911! on television. I think it’s one of the funniest shows of the past decade, right up there with South Park and Family Guy. So naturally, when I saw the trailer for this puppy, I got pretty psyched. With its R […]

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Screw You, Mark Steven Johnson

Screw You, Mark Steven Johnson

| March 1, 2007 | 0 Comments

Can somebody please tell me why Hollywood is so blindingly retarded that they keep handing over big budget comic book movies to that fucking sell-out Mark Steven Johnson? I want to have a little chat with the development exec that just a few years ago said “you know what? We should get the writer of […]

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Norbit

Norbit

| February 9, 2007 | 0 Comments

There comes a time in every man’s life where he witnesses a film that has the potential to change lives. Norbit is one of those films. As I spent nearly two hours in a dark theater with a sold out crowd, I started to realize something horrific… Norbit was what killed Anna Nicole Smith. Putting […]

The 6th Annual Doughboy Oscar Poll

The 6th Annual Doughboy Oscar Poll

| February 9, 2007 | 0 Comments

Hi, gracious fans. Welcome to this year’s awards. Forget those other awards with their fancy dresses and silly tuxedoes. This is the real deal. You, the peeps, have voted. And the votes were tallied and here are the results. Casino Royale and Little Miss Sunshine were the big winners this time around. Thanks to everyone […]

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Smokin’ Aces

Smokin’ Aces

| February 2, 2007

I pretty much knew what I was getting into while walking in to Smokin’ Aces- a fun ride. Along the lines of The Big Hit and other assassin flicks, this little gem was thoroughly entertaining with an A-list cast, big laughs and even a dash of drama to bring things up a notch. Considering this […]

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Shut the Fuck Up and Shoot

Shut the Fuck Up and Shoot

| February 2, 2007 | 0 Comments

I don’t know if any of you have noticed, but there’s a brand new trend in Hollywood and it goes a little something like this–the marketing campaign for a film begins much sooner (earlier) than it needs to, sometimes with movies that are not due out until years from now. To all these studios behind […]

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