Author Archive: kessler.john
Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
At long last, Rambo has been defeated for best movie of the year thus far. Facing stiff comedic competition from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Harold and Kumar are back in the most offensive, hilarious piece of cinema since Superbad. And yes, this is definitely one sequel that surpasses its original. I couldn’t have been more pleased [...]
Semi-Pro
Man, Will Ferrell is on the streak of his life! First Talladega Nights, then Blades of Glory, and now Semi-Pro. This sports trilogy he and Adam McKay perceived really came through in the end, eh? At least in my opinion, it came through with flying colors. I don’t know why, but I had very low [...]
Vantage Point
Wow. We’re now on the verge of March and Hollywood still has nothing decent to show for 2008. With the exception of Rambo, the first half of the year thus far has been a vast wasteland of wretched cinema that has sunk so low it would even drive Helen Keller mad. Check this list out: [...]
Rambo
Stallone is back, bitches! After successfully resurrecting the Italian Stallion in last year’s Rocky Balboa, he has now done the impossible–he has somehow, at the ripe age of 62, found a way to bring John Rambo into the 21st century. Stallone has stated in interviews that he wanted to do another Rambo because he wasn’t [...]
30 Days of Night
Despite being released by Sony/Columbia, 30 Days of Night suffers from what I like to call “Lion’s Gate Syndrome.” This is where a potentially decent idea for a film is ruined by low production value. This flick was apparently shot for $50 million, but for some strange reason it looks like it was shot for [...]
Resident Evil: Extinction
The subtitle says it all. The extinction of decent sequels that began this year has reached its peak with this shitty threequel. The failure of this movie saddens me to my very core, as the Resident Evil series (in my eyes, at least) was the only decent video game-turned-movie franchise out there. What the fuck [...]
Rush Hour 3
Before the awesomeness of the Live Free or Die Hard trailer hit the Net, Rush Hour 3 was my most anticipated movie of the year. I have fond memories of watching the first two installments as a young virgin (the first in high school and the second in college–the movies, not the girls, you sick [...]
Ocean’s 13
I swear, these Ocean‘s movies never get old. Even if the gang is all out of fresh ideas, it’s the chemistry of the cast, the fun atmosphere and cool tone that make these flicks worthwhile. While Ocean’s Thirteen is no Ocean’s Eleven, it’s a hell of a lot better than Ocean’s Twelve. Al Pacino hurts [...]
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End isn’t only a movie with a long-ass title… it was also the longest, most excruciatingly painful movie I’ve ever had to sit through. Watching this flick was like having sex with a fat, ugly chick–messy, all over the place and in need of some serious trimming. Perhaps I’m [...]
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