Author Archive: kessler.john

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Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

| April 29, 2008 | 0 Comments

At long last, Rambo has been defeated for best movie of the year thus far. Facing stiff comedic competition from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Harold and Kumar are back in the most offensive, hilarious piece of cinema since Superbad. And yes, this is definitely one sequel that surpasses its original. I couldn’t have been more pleased […]

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Semi-Pro

Semi-Pro

| March 3, 2008 | 0 Comments

Man, Will Ferrell is on the streak of his life! First Talladega Nights, then Blades of Glory, and now Semi-Pro. This sports trilogy he and Adam McKay perceived really came through in the end, eh? At least in my opinion, it came through with flying colors. I don’t know why, but I had very low […]

Vantage Point

Vantage Point

| February 26, 2008 | 0 Comments

Wow. We’re now on the verge of March and Hollywood still has nothing decent to show for 2008. With the exception of Rambo, the first half of the year thus far has been a vast wasteland of wretched cinema that has sunk so low it would even drive Helen Keller mad. Check this list out: […]

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Rambo

Rambo

| January 29, 2008 | 0 Comments

Stallone is back, bitches! After successfully resurrecting the Italian Stallion in last year’s Rocky Balboa, he has now done the impossible–he has somehow, at the ripe age of 62, found a way to bring John Rambo into the 21st century. Stallone has stated in interviews that he wanted to do another Rambo because he wasn’t […]

30 Days of Night

30 Days of Night

| October 21, 2007 | 0 Comments

Despite being released by Sony/Columbia, 30 Days of Night suffers from what I like to call “Lion’s Gate Syndrome.” This is where a potentially decent idea for a film is ruined by low production value. This flick was apparently shot for $50 million, but for some strange reason it looks like it was shot for […]

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Resident Evil: Extinction

Resident Evil: Extinction

| September 24, 2007

The subtitle says it all. The extinction of decent sequels that began this year has reached its peak with this shitty threequel. The failure of this movie saddens me to my very core, as the Resident Evil series (in my eyes, at least) was the only decent video game-turned-movie franchise out there. What the fuck […]

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War

War

| August 28, 2007 | 0 Comments

This film is a disgrace to the action genre in particular and movies in general. Why did I not see this coming? My mind was clouded by the fact that Jet Li and Jason Statham were going to fight. I would watch a 24-hour silent film festival with my nuts in a jar of acid […]

Rush Hour 3

Rush Hour 3

| August 13, 2007

Before the awesomeness of the Live Free or Die Hard trailer hit the Net, Rush Hour 3 was my most anticipated movie of the year. I have fond memories of watching the first two installments as a young virgin (the first in high school and the second in college–the movies, not the girls, you sick […]

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Ocean’s 13

Ocean’s 13

| June 11, 2007 | 0 Comments

I swear, these Ocean‘s movies never get old. Even if the gang is all out of fresh ideas, it’s the chemistry of the cast, the fun atmosphere and cool tone that make these flicks worthwhile. While Ocean’s Thirteen is no Ocean’s Eleven, it’s a hell of a lot better than Ocean’s Twelve. Al Pacino hurts […]

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Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

| May 26, 2007 | 0 Comments

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End isn’t only a movie with a long-ass title… it was also the longest, most excruciatingly painful movie I’ve ever had to sit through. Watching this flick was like having sex with a fat, ugly chick–messy, all over the place and in need of some serious trimming. Perhaps I’m […]

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