FilmMonthly » kessler.john

The Expendables

kessler.john — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 08:46:13 +0000

The release of the long-awaited mangasm The Expendables is just a little surreal to guys my age. Sure, as young lads we often spoke of witnessing such a movie where all of our favorite action heroes do battle with one another on the big screen, but very rarely does it actually happen in reality. Fathoming an event like The Expendables always seemed too good to be true. This is the same reason why many fan boys just can’t believe an Avengers movie is coming together.
But low and behold, a magical picture we’ve dreamed about since we were young teens creaming in our jeans has finally come to fruition. If you’re reading this and have a penis, you know exactly what I’m talking about. How many times in your life have you had the “versus” conversation with your buddies about who could kick who’s ass and why? How many times did you spend countless hours thinking of the perfect fight match-ups between action stars? Thanks to Stallone and his holy combination of old and new, some of the answers racking our male brains for decades finally arrive.
I won’t waste time with plot since every other review on the planet mentions it. Truthfully, in a flick like this, plot matters not. All that matters is death and destruction, and this baby delivers both in hordes. Let’s get straight to it. There are three legendary fights that will get your 13 year-old juices flowing again. First, there’s Jet Li versus Dolph Lundgren. I wish I could say this was a fight to the death like the others, but alas, we’ll settle for a lengthy match in a dark warehouse. It’s always fun to see little Asian bad-asses fight bad actors three times their size, and this is no exception. Lundgren, as wretched as he is in the talent department, has been a typical contestant in our minds with versus fights. I blame Rocky IV for this (and for the Cold War).
Next is Stallone versus Stone Cold. Again, much like the fight mentioned above, you root for Stallone to win simply because Steve Austin’s acting is so bad that you want him to die as quickly as possible. But the fact that Stallone can still throw down at age 64 is flat out amazing. This fight had a lot of buzz this Summer thanks to the fact that Austin broke Sly’s neck, delaying filming for 3 months. Injuries well worth it, I’d say. Now, this isn’t quite as entertaining as a Stallone versus Schwarzenegger match (it’s to note that such a fight was written in the script, but Bruce Willis scratched it for their trifecta scene) but it’s still pretty damn spiffy. Then finally, there is a delicious Li/Statham tag-team match versus a baddy that will leave you with a decade-long boner and a craving for a War sequel. This whole scene where the gang infiltrates a South American palace (the last two fights happen simultaneously) will go down in history as one of the most entertaining action pieces in cinema. Success is also due, in part, to Terry Crews and his automatic shotgun. Absolutely deathtastic!
The Expendables gives every action star a scene or two to shine, with Stallone and Statham picking up most of the acting slack. This is a good thing, too, because other than these two and Mickey Rourke, the rest of the cast belongs in the Hasselhoff Hall of Fame. But I digress, as you may notice below, the acting doesn’t affect my perfect grade. Stallone wanted to recreate the 80’s action picture and that just wouldn’t be complete without superbly cheesy bad guys (go Eric Roberts!). Though I’m a little disappointed Van Damme, Snipes and Seagal couldn’t make it out for all the fun. Guess they’re too busy in court, raping somebody, or not working. I’m also curious as to why Sly and Co. didn’t reach out to more modern stars like Diesel, Tony Jaa and The Rock. Perhaps the budget didn’t allow too many big names? But it was pretty fucking sweet to see Sly, Bruce and Arnold finally share the screen, even if for a brief moment. Go Planet Hollywood!
In case I haven’t made it clear, I friggin loved every second of The Expendables. Much like the last Rocky and Rambo, I was glad this movie came together before all these guys got too damn old. It oozes 80’s nostalgia which will always be my favorite movie era. And Stallone’s twenty-first century comeback is, at long last, complete!!!
Grade: A+

Zombieland

kessler.john — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 01:23:44 +0000

ZOMBIELAND
by Clint Fletcher
I’ve spent the past six months wondering to myself if I’ll ever have a better time at the movies this year than J.J. Abrams’s Star Trek. That was the first (and only flick) in 2009 that I granted the coveted A+ to. I was beginning to lose hope that another movie won’t reach that grade until next year. I’m happy to say the wait is over.
Zombieland was the most fun I’ve had at the movies since The Dark Knight.
I won’t waste much time in plot, seeing as how you can figure it all out from the title- zombies have taken over the world and humans are now extinct. That’s it. We see this plot at least twice a year, but this time the filmmakers decided to take the funny route instead of going serious for the zillionth time. And by God did it pay off. Woody Harrelson fans, take note. This is his ultimate comeback movie. And for those of you who didn’t think he needed a comeback movie, take a quick look at his resume for the past decade- After The Sunset, Anger Management, Surfer Dude, North Country and She Hate Me (just to name a few). And those are the only ones you’ve heard of. Aside from an awesome cameo in No Country For Old Men, he’s made absolute shit since 1996 with the Kingpin/People vs. Larry Flint double tap (movie pun intended). Anyway, pretty much every line the dude says in Zombieland is pure gold and easily quotable for the next 50 years. He’s my favorite kind of badass- a natural one for no damn reason. But Woody is just the tip of the ice berg on why Zombieland rocks.
In the casting department, there’s a little something for everyone. There’s the badass redneck (Woody), the adolescent pussy teenager (Jesse Eisenberg), the smoking hot girl (Emma Stone) and the adorable 12 year-old (Abigail Breslin). Hell, they even throw and old lady in there to win the “zombie kill of the week” award. I think all the demographics are covered, don’t you? Eisenberg’s character narrates, and does a fantastic job at playing pathetic. Though I still kind of see him as a poor man’s Michael Cera because the similarities are uncanny. And Emma Stone is just cute as a button. Nice to see she’s getting roles in flicks like this after the Superbad success. And Bill Murray pops in for the funniest celebrity cameo in the history of film. EVER. But what raises Zombieland above and beyond other zombie flicks is the writing.
I don’t know where the hell screenwriters Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick came from, but I hope a studio signs them for a nice, fat comedy deal. I’ve seen this type of clever narration before, but never in a horror picture. Within the first five minutes they immediately establish the tone and let’s the audience know right away that they’re not taking shit too seriously. Since zombie movies tend to be silly anyway, this is the best route to take. I loved the rules for surviving Zombieland and the recurring gags, such as Woody searching desperately for the perfect twinkie.
I would give more examples of why this flick was a blast, but it would honestly be kind of spoilery. But here’s hoping we get a Zombieworld and Zombieverse over the next few years. As long as Woody and Eisenberg are back, I’m on board. Fuck it, I’d be on board with a whole new cast. This movie fully fed the geek within!
Grade: A+

I Love You, Man

kessler.john — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 18:34:42 +0000

When I first caught the trailer for this flick, I had mixed feelings of expectations. On the one hand, writer/director John Hamberg, Ben Stiller’s bitch, ranges from comic genius (Meet the Parents) to just plain retarded (Zoolander, Along Came Polly). But on the other hand, breakout star Jason Segel is hilarious, and I really dug Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Thankfully, I Love You, Man ends up on the winning side for the “Apatow Posse.”
If there’s one thing Hamberg knows well, its painfully awkward moments. He proved this thoroughly with Meet the Parents, his best movie yet. And thanks to Paul Rudd, this flick is loaded with awkwardness. His character is so freakin uncomfortable that during most scenes I was fidgeting restlessly in my seat. The first 45 minutes sets the stage for numerous supporting players, such as Andy Samberg as Rudd’s gay brother and Jon Favreau/Jaime Pressly as an asshole (and classic) married couple. And I can’t say enough good things about the lovely Rashida Jones. I’ve been in love with her since her appearances on Chappelle’s Show and her first series Wanted. Its truly a pleasure to see her scoring the leading roles she deserves. Shockingly, all of these characters end up having meaning to the plot before the credits roll. In most comedies, they just take up space and serve as time-fillers. But everyone serves a key role here related to Rudd’s character somehow. And then enter Jason Segel.
This dude makes the movie, just like I knew he would. His one-liners are classic and he and Rudd have great chemistry together. Segel’s character is someone that all guys idolize, and I often wonder if he’s really just playing himself on-screen. Rudd and Segel add an extra layer of emotion and heart to the picture, something that a few of the Apatow posse’s latest ventures lacked in (Role Models, Drillbit Taylor). I’m glad to hear we’ll be seeing much more of Segel in the near future as he’s signed for 3 films next year (one of them he wrote).
I Love You, Man is easily the funniest and most quotable movie of the year so far. If you dug Knocked Up and Forgetting Sarah Marshall (and let’s face it, everyone did) then you’ll enjoy this flick. So punch everyone in the face that wants to go see Madea Goes To Jail and drag them to this instead. You’ll actually laugh.

Fletch’s Top/Bottom Ten of 2008

kessler.john — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 14:53:29 +0000

FLETCH’S TOP TEN OF 2008
10) FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL- Who would’ve thought the tall dude from Knocked Up could write a funny screenplay? And Paul Rudd is on the roll of his life. The first vacation movie in a long time that deserves its “comedy” label.
9) FOUR CHRISTMASES- Another Christmas classic for anyone that hates spending the holidays with their families. Vaughn and Witherspoon have great chemistry and I really felt the pain they had to go through with each family encounter. Watch it drunk if possible.
8) NICK AND NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST- The biggest surprise of the year for me. Sweet, touching and thoughtful, it took me back to the good times of my high school years (which were scarce, so that’s hard to do). A great sleeper would-be hit.
7) THE STRANGERS- Scared the ever-living sh*t out of me. Nuff said.
6) PINEAPPLE EXPRESS- I don’t smoke weed, but this flick made me want to. The misadventures of a pot head and his idiot dealer was a genius idea. Nice throw-back to the old 80’s buddy flicks.
5) HAROLD & KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY- I love these guys! Even better than the first. It removes the cheese from traditional, stereotypical jokes. Long live Neil Patrick Harris!
4) RAMBO- One of the most hardcore action pictures ever made. Flashing some major kahunas, civilians are slaughtered by the dozens, children get tossed into fires and decapitated heads go flying. Even in his 60’s, Stallone still kicks incredible ass.
3) IRON MAN- Jon Favreau and Downey Jr. create a perfect blend of comedy and action to bring the otherwise dull Tony Stark to the big screen. In my top five of favorite comic book movies ever.
2) ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO- Kevin Smith’s funniest, most heartfelt movie yet, I truly can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard. Seriously, there were tears. It suffered from a terrible release date so everyone check this out on DVD February 3rd.
1) THE DARK KNIGHT- There’s nothing I can say that hasn’t been said already. If Ledger doesn’t get an Oscar then there simply is no God. All Hail The Dark Knight!!!
HONORABLE MENTION
CLOVERFIELD- Skillfully executed and a nifty idea.
HANCOCK- I don’t know why everyone is hating on this movie. It rocked!
IN BRUGES- Witty dialogue executed by flawless acting.
TROPIC THUNDER- Downey plays a black man better than most black men. Best ’08 cameos.
WANTED- The ultimate Summer popcorn flick. Great fun.
FLETCH’S BOTTOM TEN OF 2008
10) DRILLBIT TAYLOR- Seth Rogen is lucky he scored two good flicks on my top ten this year, because this sh*t is unacceptable (he wrote the script). And I haven’t seen Marley and Me yet but this was strike two for Owen Wilson in my book.
9) YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN- The title pretty much says it. Hey, do you guys remember a time when Sandler was funny? Hahahaha… oh, we’re so old.
8) JUMPER- Whiny bitch Hayden Christensen gets my vote for worst actor of the year (and quite possibly, the planet). Just quit acting, bro. Seriously. Burger King needs you. You have the unique ability to ruin a movie by even a small cameo.
7) IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE- I debated whether or not to put this on the list because it was hilarious. But I just… I just HATE that c*ck-sucking Nazi bastard Uwe Boll.
6) THE HAPPENING- No one is more upset with the fall of Shyamalan than I. If he keeps making stuff like this then he’ll be writing scripts on a notepad in the back room of a 7-Eleven.
5) BURN AFTER READING- If you thought this movie was funny then you are not funny. That’s right, I said it. Read it again, b*tch. And for God’s sake, don’t tell any stories at cocktail parties.
4) SAW V- Let it die. Please… just… just let go…
3) THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR- Abominable snowmen?!?! (this is also an actual line from the movie)
2) TRANSPORTER 3- I didn’t realize it until just now, but Statham (who I’m normally a fan of) stars in the two worst movies on this list. I’d rather watch Rocky V on a loop while burning in Hell than to watch two minutes of this again.
1) DEATH RACE- This was ranked #1 due in part to my anticipation for it, as the original Death Race 2000 is one of my favorite 70’s pictures. But strip away every aspect that made that flick cool and this is what you’ve got. The absolute epitome of sh*tty remakes. Jason Statham deserves cancer (curable, at least).
DISHONORABLE MENTION
INDIANA JONES & THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL- F*cking Aliens???
NEVER BACK DOWN- It’s The Karate Kid with a major shot of homo.
PROM NIGHT- Jamie Lee Curtis is rolling over in her grave. Oh, she’s alive?
RIGHTEOUS KILL- New rule, no Pacino/Deniro team-ups without Scorsese.
VANTAGE POINT- Isn’t it sweet how the movie blew from every view point?
FLICKS I HAVEN’T CAUGHT YET
DEFIANCE
FROST/NIXON
REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
THE WRESTLER
FLETCH’S MOST ANTICIPATED OF 2009
1) FAST AND FURIOUS
2) FRIDAY THE 13TH
3) STAR TREK
4) HARRY POTTER & THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE
5) TERMINATOR SALVATION
6) X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
7) 2012
8) OBSERVE AND REPORT
9) FANBOYS
10) TAKEN

Punisher: War Zone

kessler.john — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 16:52:53 +0000

PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
by Clint Fletcher
Does anyone care about this movie? It made $4 million at the box office this weekend. It is to note that a movie starring Kirk Cameron made more money than the latest comic book flick. Is anyone even reading this right now?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: how fucking hard is it to make a decent movie about a man that shoots bad guys??? This is now the third failed attempt in a row to bring vigilante Frank Castle to the big screen. I just don’t get it. First, they tried to make a B-movie out of it. Then, with the Thomas Jane version, they went with the camp (and a major boner for Travolta). This time, director Lexi Alexander (who?) attempts to make some sort of film noir piece out of the Punisher. And the final result is an uneven, bloody mess. Seriously, all you have to do is play it straight and deliver some badass, solid action and cool lines. I will admit, if there’s one thing Punisher: War Zone does deliver on, it’s unrelenting violence and gore. The opening action sequence is exquisite, featuring a dozen cool kills all wrapped into a nifty scene. For a second I thought the rest of the movie would hold up to the opening. I should’ve known better.
There are three big action sequences in the flick, and all of them are very impressive, showing major kahunas with the gore factor. But the bad news is, there’s only 3 action sequences. This is supposed to be a $40 million action movie!!! What the Hell? What did this money go into? With the exception of Julie Benz, all the actors are relatively unknown. And while we’re on the subject, the acting is almost unwatchable, particularly with the villain Jigsaw (Dominic West from The Wire). Shockingly, the best actor was Ray Stevenson, who didn’t get near as much screen time as he deserved. That’s right, the Punisher himself takes a backseat to the villains, ala Tim Burton’s Batman films. And the script has some of the worst lines I’ve heard all year, such as “you’re the Punisher, but who punishes you?” and “let me put you out of my misery.” There are also some absolutely absurd scenes that are just downright laughable, such as Jigsaw’s brother jumping around like a monkey and smashing mirrors, and Castle blowing up someone with a rocket launcher in mid-air. I expected much more from the creator of Prison Break and the writer of Iron Man. Its no secret to movie/comic nerds that this flick was plagued with problems from the beginning. It had been delayed numerous times due to re-shoots, and at one point there was a rumor that Lexi Alexander got replaced. We still don’t know what exactly happened, but now that the movie flopped and no one gives a rat’s ass, I’m sure we’ll learn soon enough.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but strictly by default, the dark Punisher: War Zone is the best Punisher movie yet. This is definitely a flick you should rent with your friends, laugh your ass off, and get really fucking wasted by taking shots every time there’s a head shot.
Grade: C

Four Christmases

kessler.john — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 21:31:37 +0000

Upon exiting my second viewing of Four Christmases this weekend, I suddenly realized the secret key ingredient to enjoying this movie- hating your family. I personally despise my immediate family. Spending Christmas with them is like someone smothering me with a pillow for a long period of time and yet I just won’t die. My father only cares about two things- sports and food. He would sacrifice his children for these things if the choice ever occurred. Then there’s my mother and sister who together have a combined IQ of a Down Syndrome stoner. All they talk about is other people, shopping and the fact that Obama is the Anti-Christ. This explains why I favor dysfunctional family flicks like Home for the Holidays and The Ref. If all you think about is putting a shotgun in your mouth around the holidays, Four Christmases is up your alley.
Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon star as a happy couple who plan to stay that way by never getting married, never having kids and never visiting their families on the holidays. If there really is a woman out there who has such a brilliant plan, for God’s sake email my editor for my number. Their plans go downhill fast when they get stranded at the airport and interviewed by a news crew who spoils their plan, thus forcing them to spend Christmas at four different houses (well, more like 3 ½). Truthfully, I was worried about this flick turning out well. First, there were reports that Vaughn and Witherspoon despised each other and caused a lot of problems with filming. Or, this could be because Witherspoon is an uptight bitch and Vaughn is awesome. Witherspoon is from my hometown and I don’t know what she’s like now, but she was definitely a stuck-up attention whore before she was famous. There’s no way Hollywood improves that problem.
Anyway, the tabloids say that problems emerged over different acting styles. Vaughn likes to keep it loose and improv, seeing where the scenes takes him. But Witherspoon apparently likes to stick to the script. I like Vaughn’s flicks but I will admit, the dude does have a problem with staying within the parameters of the story. Some of his rants in previous flicks (ahem… Fred Claus) are totally random and unfunny. Thankfully, Vaughn sticks with the funny here (either that or the editor picked the funniest clips of his improv).
The trailers make this picture look disastrous. It makes it look more like Christmas With The Kranks than National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (and trust me, there’s a big difference). Don’t let the shitty TV spots turn you off, because this movie is fucking funny. While there are a couple slapstick bits I could’ve done without (the previews blow them up tremendously), most of the flick is filled with witty dialogue and great chemistry between the cast. Hell, I even liked the pairing of Vaughn and Witherspoon, which for some reason is getting ripped hard by other critics. It has a very recognizable cast, and I really did feel like everyone was a family and the awkwardness felt pretty damn real when the main characters are stuck in uncomfortable situations. Kudos to the writers for managing to successfully create four separate and very unique fucked up families. Other critics are also taking a dump all over the ending by calling it rushed or unfunny. Frankly, I didn’t mind the way it ended and I thought the movie stopped right where it should have (they could’ve easily dragged the concept another half hour).
I would definitely put Four Christmases up there with other great holiday classics that substitute liquor during this time of year. I have a feeling it will go down as one of the better Christmas flicks of this decade. Just don’t go see it with the family you hate, because that just ruins what would be an otherwise joyous (and sober) experience.
Grade: A-

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

kessler.john — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 18:15:24 +0000

If you’re a typical Fletch reader, then you should already know that I’m a huge fan of Kevin Smith. He’s always been someone I admire and respect, and he’s also been a major influence on my own body of work in indie film. So, it should come to no surprise that I thoroughly enjoyed his latest outing Zack and Miri Make a Porno.
But what did surprise me is how much I loved this film.
Zack and Miri is arguably his best movie to date. He attempted to separate himself from the View Askew world once before with Jersey Girl in 2004, which didn’t go over so well (even though I dug it for what it was). This time around, there’s no Jay and Silent Bob, no clerks, no Jason Lee and no Ben Affleck. Hell, even Smith himself doesn’t make an on-screen appearance. While I’ve truly enjoyed watching these characters return to the screen over the years, there’s something refreshing about Zack and Miri and this no doubt has to do with a new cast. Seth Rogen can do no wrong and kudos to Smith for recruiting an actor for not only his comedic talents, but for his vulnerability aspects as well. And Elizabeth Banks is finally getting the parts she deserves after years of playing second rate supporting roles.
I don’t know if there’s much I can say about the story that hasn’t already been said in other reviews, so I guess I’ll just answer some questions my friends and acquaintances have been asking. Is it as raunchy as Smith’s other flicks? Yes. If you’re offended by crude, dirty humor then stay far away because this is probably the most vulgar movie of the past few years. The flick originally got an NC-17 rating, and truthfully there are a couple scenes where I have no idea how they got around the R-rating. I’ll give you a hint: one of them involves poopy. Does it have romance? Yes. The movie has an incredible amount of heart, which puts it way above your typical crude comedy flick. Rogen and Banks have fantastic chemistry, and they’re also backed by a hilariously talented supporting cast including seasoned Smith players Jason Mewes and Jeff Anderson, as well as newcomers Craig Robinson and Justin Long. It even has a few surprise actors such as Brandon Routh (Superman, duh) as a gay actor, Tom Savini in a small role and porn star Traci Lords as… well, a porn star.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno beats out Harold and Kumar 2 and Pineapple Express for funniest movie of the year. Its Smith’s most mature film to date, and his skills as a filmmaker continue to grow with each feature. Here’s hoping the flick does well at the box office and on DVD because it deserves it. If you have time over the next few weeks, go see it!
Grade: A+

Saw V

kessler.john — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 03:54:44 +0000

I’d like to get something out in the open right now: I’m a big Saw fan. Yes, I hated the first one. But I was won over by the sequels. Most people feel the opposite and favor the first but don’t care for the sequels. But to be honest, until this latest installment, I just thought they got better and better. Sure, we all know none of the stories are original, but even the worst Saw movie is superior to 90% of the horror shit that gets released by Hollywood each year. Not to mention, people don’t go to the movies every Halloween to see intelligent plot, they go to have some bloody fun and to see a bunch of sweet-ass kills. With that said, Saw V is the first sequel that takes the franchise down a notch.
I guess there are only so many flashbacks you can show about one deceased character before things turn into a huge mess. The Jigsaw killer died two movies ago, and yet the last two films were built primarily around the flashback concept of showing us the behind the scenes of previous installments through Jigsaw’s point of view. I felt that this concept was quite effective in last year’s Saw IV, but now they’re just beating a dead horse. They’re trying to introduce a new Jigsaw, and its just not working. The great Tobin Bell cannot be matched in overall creepiness and they killed him off far too soon. Now, I wasn’t expecting the plot of Saw V to be clever, but I did expect some sweet kills and a few cool twists. With the exception of a strong opening scene, I got neither. What I got was a shitty, half-assed script and even shittier actors to bring them to life.
Before I get into the bashing, I must point out that the movie’s biggest weakness is the poor misuse of the story time line. To put it in other terms: shit was fucking confusing. It got to a point where I couldn’t tell if I was watching a new flashback, a flashback from previous installments, or a new scene in general. I’m sure I could’ve followed along better if I had time to watch Saw I-IV this past week but I was busy having sex instead. In the midst of the confusion, I know I saw Danny Glover in there which means they went all the way back to the original Saw as far as flashbacks go. Other people in the theater were confused as well, but I felt especially stupid since I was the only one of age.
Saw V returns to its original roots: wretched acting. Some of the actors in this movie are so bad they should use this flick as their film reel for not getting hired. These cats make Cary Elwes Oscar-worthy for the original. One actor in particular, Greg Bryk (Screamers 2, ReGenesis) made me want to ply my eyes out with one of Jigsaw’s devices. His scenes were just flat-out laughable and the audience responded accordingly. Perhaps this was director David Hackl’s fault. Word of advice to producers: never hire a guy with “hack” in his name. Or just maybe it was the studio’s fault for hiring a production designer as the director. Just because the cock-knocker designed the sets for previous Saw movies doesn’t mean he’s qualified to direct.
I’ve always been very supportive of the Saw franchise, which has become a Halloween staple among my circle of friends. Many people (mostly the movie press) have been waiting for the series to fail, probably because it makes for a better story. And going up against High School Musical 3 isn’t helping either. But if Saw V has proved anything, its that maybe the franchise should be laid to rest after all.
Grade: C-

The Incredible Hulk

kessler.john — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Anyone read the newspaper headlines lately? “The Incredible Hulk on par with Iron Man!” I beg to differ–it doesn’t even come close. While it has its popcorn moments, it’s a far cry from the top dogs of Iron Man and Batman Begins for this sequel/remake/re-imagining/what the fuck is it?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. The nicest compliment I can give the flick is this: it’s way better than Ang Lee’s version. But isn’t that by default? I wouldn’t hesitate to put the 2003 Hulk into the top ten worst movies I’ve ever seen. And no, I’m not overreacting. Even shit like The Punisher (starring Dolph Lundgren) is better than that, so what does that say about The Incredible Hulk? Well, it’s not a very good movie. It’s not a bad movie, either, but it’s subpar at best.
First off, I don’t understand Edward Norton. He signs on to this movie claiming that he’s a huge fan of the Hulk character. Then, he turns in the blandest performance known to man?! Where’s the emotion, buddy? He’s a great actor, and I’ve enjoyed most of his previous work, but he brought nothing to the table as Bruce Banner. Matter of fact, he came close to ruining it by turning Banner into a huge a pussy. This guy just mopes around all day, sad and depressed. I get the fact that he lost everyone he loved and was basically exiled from his home, but does he have to be a steaming pile of vagina? I hate to say it, but Eric Bana was better (despite my hatred for the original, I dug him as the jolly green giant). And then, after shooting the movie, Norton walks away from post-production over creative differences. Who does that? I mean, he showed up and shot the damn thing, so he obviously knew what he was getting into. This reminds me of a similar incident a few years ago, when Wesley Snipes started shit with the same studio over being overshadowed in Blade Trinity by younger actors. But, you read the script, signed a contract, shot the fucking thing and collected your paycheck, right?
Secondly, most of the cast was just wretched. What genius decided to put Tim Roth in this movie? Frankly, I thought he was dead. And it also annoyed me that he had his shirt off in 90% of his scenes. Put your fucking shirt back on, dude. You’re almost 50, and that’s gross. And I never once bought Roth or William Hurt as soldiers, not for a second. I try not to be picky about this sort of thing, but their tactics were terrible and they couldn’t even walk right or stand up straight (you know, like real soldiers do?). Speaking of Hurt, he’s certainly giving Jeff Bridges a run for his money for the “blandest actor of our time” title. And the scientist who experiments on Banner toward the end gets my vote for most annoying actor of the century. I prayed and prayed he would get shot in the head violently, but alas, he survived. And even worse, he may have been transformed into a future villain. If there is a God in heaven, they won’t bring this guy back. It’s not even worth mentioning his real name in this article. Fuck that guy!
There were plenty of other things that bothered me, too, like cutting out all the cool lines and shots that were in the trailer. That’s right, kids. The trailer is filled with scenes of witty dialogue that do not appear in the actual flick, which makes little sense when the final product ends up being worse after these scenes are cut. Don’t you just hate that? Speaking of false advertising, the director stated in interviews earlier this week that Captain America might be making an appearance. Totally false. You shouldn’t tease nerds like that, asshole. And sure, Tony Stark popped up for a second, which is cool, I guess. However, he popped up to tease nerds yet again by hinting at an Avengers movie (some of you may have caught the Easter egg with Samuel L. Jackson after the credits of Iron Man). This frustrates me, because I still believe an Avengers movie is never going to happen (or a good one, at least). There’s just too much riding on it. This new Hulk movie would have to be successful, as well do the upcoming Captain America, Nick Fury, Iron Man 2 and Thor. Then, whoever gets cast in all these roles would have to be offered a ton of money to star together. Shit, you think Ed Norton is coming back after walking away from the studio over this flick? Don’t count on it. And even after all this, an Avengers movie would be enormous in scope, which takes the budget up even higher. I just don’t see all of this falling into place. Yes, I know Marvel has announced plans for all these films and to top it all off with an Avengers movie (in 2011), but just because these projects have been greenlit sure as hell doesn’t mean they will all come to fruition. And I promise I’ve had sex before. With a girl. And not through a computer.
Anyhoo, back to the flick. The worst thing the movie has going for it is the director, Louis Leterrier (Unleashed, Transporter 2). This guy has no idea what the hell he’s doing. The scenes were poorly lit, the action scenes lacked any sort of creativity and the actors’ performances were all over the place. If it weren’t for the star power, this movie would’ve been a pure disaster at the box office and this dude would never work again. This goes the same for screenwriter Zak Penn, who continues to butcher comic book movies with fucking dreadful dialogue. Seriously, somebody ban this dude from the Marvel universe. He already ruined Fantastic Four, Elektra and X3. And yes, of course he’s writing the upcoming Captain America. Goodie! I never knew a person could write dialogue so bad that even Robert Downey, Jr., couldn’t deliver it well (in his quick cameo).
I know I’ve been dumping on the movie a lot, but there were a few things I enjoyed. Liv Tyler is just adorable, and she was the only cast member who did a great job. She plays the concerned girlfriend role well, much better than Kirsten Dunst and Gwyneth Paltrow. The CGI effects were also a huge improvement over the original. The look and feel of the Hulk was dead-on, and I was truly impressed with the special effects on all levels. Too bad a good portion of them were ruined by shitty lighting and poor camera techniques. I also enjoyed the finale showdown between the Hulk and Abomination, which is truly a sight to behold. Now that’s some damn good entertainment! If only the rest of the movie could’ve sustained that level of excitement…
It’s hard to recommend this movie, as I was let down by it. However, people should probably see it on the big screen to get the full package of the effects (kudos to the sound guys, too). Again, its not a bad movie. But don’t expect it to be anything memorable as far as comic book movies go. Only one month until The Dark Knight. Almost there.
Grade: C

Iron Man

kessler.john — Sat, 03 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I still can’t believe it. Iron Man lived up to my extremely high expectations. God bless Jon Favreau for creating a true-blood comic book movie that joins the ranks of Batman Begins and Spider-Man 2 as one of the best adaptations of the decade.
Words can’t describe how pleased I was with Robert Downey’s performance as Tony Stark. While some would call me a comic-book geek, I never read the Iron Man comics growing up. The first taste I got of the character was from last year’s Civil War series, when Stark was portrayed as a major douchebag (but without the humor). And while Downey, Jr., definitely got the look of Stark down, he also added a much-needed element to the character–comedy. Tony is funny as hell in this movie. He’s arrogant as shit and is also a womanizing alcoholic asshole… and I loved every minute of it. I doubt I would’ve enjoyed the movie nearly as much if the studio decided to remove the comedy and shoot it straight (a la Christopher Nolan with Batman). They also got the look of the suit down pat. Much like The Hulk franchise, which comes back up for more air next month, the look of the hero in action is very important and can make or break movies like this. And I’m glad they took their time in explaining how the suit–and Stark’s new take on his life and career–came to fruition.
The writing is very witty and the action sequences are just plain badass. The first time Stark takes the new suit for a spin overseas (and then engages in an aerial battle) will be one of the more memorable action scenes in comic movie history. And I’m also glad they didn’t dive into the whole alcoholic plotline just yet (his fatal flaw in the comics was the booze). The movie is lighthearted, for the most part, but dramatic when it needs to be. I enjoyed the friendship angle between Stark and Jim Rhodes (Terrence Howard). It’s nice to see that even the biggest of assholes has a buddy to count on. But besides these two guys, I had some issues with the rest of the cast.
First off, Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t bring much to the table. She showed no enthusiasm in her character and added no traits whatsoever to make the character her own. Any actress could’ve played her part, and I never once bought the romance between her and Stark. The chemistry just wasn’t there, and it certainly isn’t Downey, Jr., who’s the problem. Could she at least pretend like she’s having a good time? Isn’t that what acting is all about? Pretending? I have a feeling she only did this movie because her management team told her she hasn’t had a hit in… well… ever. And they knew a big budget comic flick was just what she needed. Next time, I expect more from you besides just picking up the paycheck, Ms. Paltrow. Nice legs, though.
Secondly, I don’t know how Jeff Bridges became famous in the first place, as he’s one of the blandest actors working today. When he dies, he will probably go to bland-actor heaven with David Straithairn and William Hurt. I just don’t see the appeal in this dude, and I probably never will. But most importantly, he’s the only actor that started to annoy me before the end. He gets ridiculously preachy in the last 20 minutes, and in some scenes, he just will not shut the fuck up. Speaking of the last 20 minutes, the movie gets bumped down a notch or two in my book for the completely retarded finale where Iron Man has to fight an enemy that got ahold of another iron suit, but much bigger. The fight itself isn’t what bothered me. But Iron Man and his “enemy” (see how I’m trying to keep it a secret?) start talking to each other through their suits in the robot voices, and I started having Transformers flashbacks. Favs, for future reference, don’t have these guys talk to each other while fighting. It takes us out of the action. And the finale got waaaaay over the top, as so many comic finales do (think something stupid like in the Fantastic Four movies). If it weren’t for the finale, I might’ve even given the flick an A+. It was doing so well up to that point, but the last 20 minutes left a bit of a sour aftertaste.
The best word I can use to describe Iron Man is fun. Take your kids, take your significant other, take your gay lover and take your retarded brother, because this flick is a blast. And I have a feeling it will go down as one of the best comic flicks in history with nerds like me.
Grade: A-