For those of you who are completely worn out this holiday season, head over to the cineplex and walk into a room labeled "Alexander" for a nice, long nap.

First off, I didn't pay attention to history in high school. I faced a similar situation four years later in college. I was just too busy being popular that I completely forgot to study up on my ancient historical figures when "Greek Week" came along. Why study when if the material is interesting enough, people will make a movie about it anyway? Welcome to my generation, folks. However, I knew absolutely nothing about Achilles and I thoroughly enjoyed Troy. Secondly, I'm not a big fan of Oliver Stone. This is mainly due to the fact that I haven't seen most of his pictures. The ones I have seen I despise (Any Given Sunday, Alexander). Now, if I wanted to be historically accurate, I could tell you the story of Alexander and give you a detailed outline of this movie, but they just don't kill enough trees for that sort of thing. I'll keep this brief.

Colin "I had to skip the birth of my child to shoot this bad movie because I'm a dick" Farrell stars as Alexander the Great. Why he got the "Great" title is the real mystery. Alexander is born and raised by his psychotic mother (the luscious Angelina Jolie) and his asshole King of a father (asshole Val Kilmer). His mother always tells him that no matter what, he shall be king and take over the world... and go to bed with snakes in his crotch. This mightily confuses little Alexander, and at the age of twenty he becomes King after his father was assassinated for a movie called The Saint. At first, Alexander doesn't seem like a bad guy. Sure, he takes over every country he travels to with his loyal army of girls behind him (including Jared Leto), but he does it in such a polite fashion. Well, eventually when his men want to stop conquering countries and other girly men, Alexander wants to press on. He is a man on a mission: to take over the known world and then set everyone free.... under his rule. Its confusing, really. The great enigma about Alexander and bad screenwriting is that we don't ever really find out what drove Alexander.

After a while, the dude becomes deeply paranoid that people are plotting against him behind his back. In the process, he marries an Indian woman (even though he secretly has the hots for Leto... and every man in his sight) simply because he wants to have a son. This pisses off his old pals from childhood, which leads to betrayal, murder, madness, and Rosario Dawson's boobies. You see, Alexander goes crazy midway through his twenties and makes some very stupid decisions which causes his downfall. This includes some pretty retarded stuff like trying to charge an elephant on horseback and not banging his hot mother like Oedipus did.

All of this is wrapped in a bland, dull-looking package by the ever-so-aging Anthony Hopkins. After such classics as Mission: Impossible 2 and The Edge, I really don't know what this man is doing here. Hopkins plays a much older version of a dude that was a close advisor to Alexander and narrates the story as he tells his own personal version to a couple of fruitcakes visiting his art gallery. Perhaps the story's biggest flaw is skipping the most intriguing parts of the legend of Alexander. Hopkins will show us a boring period of his life, then he will actually blurt lines like "and then he conquered twenty countries over the next five years." This reveals that they just skipped all the good stuff and went to the next boring segment. Show us the goods!!! I was at least hoping for some decent battle sequences but I couldn't even get that! Alexander (or more importantly, Oliver Stone) suffers from what I like to call "Daredevil Syndrome." Moving the camera so rapidly and so close to the action disables us (as in the audience, the people that pay your salary) from seeing virtually anything at all... thus leaving us scratching our heads as to what just happened and why. But sticking to my guns that every film has a redeeming quality, I will give kudos to the acting in this flick. As an ensemble, this team sure can give some intense performances, and it is the finest ensemble of the year thus far (at least until Blade: Trinity comes along). And Farrell also has my vote for a Best Actor nomination. After all, you've earned it, bro. If skipping the birth of your bastard son isn't dedication then I don't know what is.

To wrap things up, an easy comparison to Alexander would be my own high school history class: It doesn't make much sense because you're always falling in and out of sleep, and its chalk-full of assholes. But for those of you history geeks out there, may I suggest renting Troy. That way you can beat off freely in the privacy of your own home and not in the movie theater. Merry Christmas!

Clint Fletcher is a reviewer and filmmaker who is signing Rosario Dawson to star in his next film.