Hello, one and all. Your beloved Fletch here. As you can see, our little site is growing into one huge publication. After receiving monstrous hits per month, we realized that we're popular enough to do just about anything. With that said, we would now like to elevate to our next plan of World Domination by hereby destroying and ridiculing YOU, the fans. That's right. I'm talking to you! This is our time to take a step back and go through some incredibly fucking stupid emails from fans and other whackos, and simply tear them to shreds in the process. Everyone tune in, because next time, we could be making fun of YOU. Let's get started, shall we?

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From: "Paul ega***" <****ega@hotmail.com>

To: <filmmonthly@hotmail.com>

Subject: stuck for info

Date: Wed, 9 Mar 2005 18:15:17 -0000

dear jon,

       i am a film student in london writing my final paper on the representations of the theatre in film, which is why i stumbled across your article on "Theatre of blood". i have been confronted by a paucity of writing on this subject and i was wondering if anyone might know of any books/journels etc that might be relevant. I was going to focus on 1925 "phantom of the opera" and maybe "the golden coach", but any suggestions would be good.my e-mail is trailertr***@***.com. Any advice gratefuly appreciated, Yours sincerely David Denfield (london college of printing).

Fletch- We have a perfect book out there for you by Doctor Roman "I rape children" Polanski. My apologies that Jon couldn't address you personally, but he's too busy dealing with more important matters, such as keeping the children in line at the Film Monthly Sweat Shop in downtown Beijing. Although he did conjure up enough time to laugh at the irony of you writing a paper and yet you spell at a third grade level. I thought people in London were supposed to be smart? Although, I suppose moving out of your shit-hole apartment in Detroit and cashing in your bank robbery money to fly to London and pose as a film student does require some level of intelligence. Long Live the Pope!

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From: MEHDI RAZ***I <ha****@yahoo.com>

To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com

Subject: ss

Date: Thu, 10 Mar 2005 07:47:49 -0800 (PST)

Hi.

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Fletch- Why hello there, little Mehdi. How did you manage to leave your post in the assembly line and find your way into the back office? You know you're not supposed to use Master Gary's computer. Technology holds no place for a five year-old. Now run along dear, and keep up the great job on those fabulous Film Monthly t-shirts.

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From: Phil Griffiths <phil****@yahoo.co.uk>

To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com, webmaster@hardboiled.de

Subject: american remakes of classic Asian horror films

Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 14:44:53 +0000 (GMT)

Dear sir/madam,

I am a student studying for a degree in Journalism at Barnsley College, South Yorkshire, England. As part of my final years work i am producing a magazine with content devoted to films from Asia. A major feature in the magazine will be based on the current trend in Hollywood for remaking Asian films, in particular such films as 'The Eye' 'Dark Water' 'The Grudge' 'Infernal affairs' to name but a few. With this in mind i was wondering if you wouldnt mind giving me your oppinion on this subject. Just a few lines in a responsorial e-mail is all i would require to greatly improve my feature by including comment from such esteemed people as yourselves.Thank you for any consideration you give to this matter. best regards,

Phillip Griffiths

Fletch- Well, Phil, you're in luck. Because Film Monthly has a team on stand-by specifically for douchebags such as yourself. All I have to do is press a little red button and out pops a group of well-trained and fully-organized scholars, and they will be more than happy to do your work for you. Because, heaven forbid, you do the work yourself and become an actual "student". But sadly, our D- team is for Americans only. May I suggest you move to the States, learn how to spell words like "United" and "States" and "opinion" with one 'P', and you'll be on your way to graduating with Honors.

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From: "paul t*yl*r" <pa*****@hotmail.com>

To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com

Subject: interview

Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 16:22:19 +0000

to Torrie Wilson

Would you like to make films one day like Triple h, Kane and the Rock? If you do, what kind of films do you want to make,action, comedy or some thing else? Do you want to make films full-time or part-time and still appear in wwe smackdown? Who do you want to take on next? I think you could easily beat Dawn Marie in a pillow fight match. From Paul

Fletch- As a matter of fact, Paul, Torrie is off right now shooting "Wrestling is Fake" and unavailable for comment. I agree completely though. Triple H and Kane are two fine and well-trained thespians. Just the other day I watched Blade: Trinity and bawled like a baby at H's riveting performance. And not to mention Kane's book "I've Never Been in a Movie in My Life" about the trials and tribulations of his non-acting career. I can't speak much for The Rock, however, considering he would never associate himself with mentally retarded people who think that seeing a Torrie Wilson interview means that she's best friends with the people at Film Monthly. You should write her a letter personally. I'm sure she'd be thrilled to wipe her manly ass with it and pen it up for display with the rest of her fan mail.

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From: Bob*****@c*d*rcom.co.uk

To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com

Subject: 7th Festival of Film Noir

Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2005 14:26:29 +0000

Please be kind enough to confirm the venue and date for the 7th Festival of Film Noir, 2005 and if possible a website relevant to the event.

Many thanks, Bob Larkins

C*d*r Communications

Fletch- Well, Bob, may I call you Dick? Thanks. Dick, I see how important it is to confirm the venue and date for you, or how else are you going to know what time you need to meet up with your Burette-wearing friends and dish about the latest Noir piece that's hit it big with a whopping 1-theater release across the nation? Punctuality is important, especially when mothers need to know exact times when to drop their 47 year-old sons off at film festivals. However, in enlightenment of a new piece of technology called "the internet", more important humans like me no longer have to be bothered by Java Shop rats. You see, the world-wide internet, or "net" as you describe it to your mother while typing a fake movie review on your lap-top, has spawned a precious and easy way to access your requested information. Its called a "link" and its typically located on the "clear-as-day page" of Film Monthly. Just scroll down and click. Its that simple!

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From: <Ken.O*rs*******@kriminalforsorgen.dk>

To: <filmmonthly@hotmail.com>

Subject: The last shark

Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2005 20:22:05 +0100

Hello there!!

My name's Ken and I'am living in Denmark. I have for many years been on the lookout for the movie " The Last Shark" (1980) About twenty years ago the film was availible in danish videoshops for renting, but ever since it hasn't been possible for me to locate it any where. Until this day, when I saw, that the film is sold though Midnight Video. Is the movie only in the NTSC format, or can it be delivered in the european DVD region 2 version. IT would be wonderfull if you please could help me finding this item. If not, could you please give me any information where I might get that film.(maybe also in the VHS videosystem, the european) Thank you and have a wonderfull day Greetings from Denmark

Ken M*g*ns*n

Fletch- Hi, Ken! Well, I have some bad news. Midnight Video is actually a pornographic movie industry. This means that people do naughty things and "fornicate" to cheesy, Philip Glass-type music. The movie is actually entitled "The Last Shlong" about the journeys of an Amish maid in search for the last penis on Earth. But have no fear. Since I like you, I did some research. The film you're looking forward is just down the street at your local Blockbuster! Just walk in, make a right past all the Hollywood junk, through the porn section and out the back door. There in the dark alley you'll find the "No One Gives a Rat's Ass" section which is sure to have the film you're looking for. Good luck, and a shout-out to all my other illiterate Denmark Homies!

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From: "David H*rgr*ve" <****@speakeasy.net>

To: <filmmonthly@hotmail.com>

Subject: The Puppet's Musical Strings

Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2005 17:47:06 -0800

Jon,

I have a slight problem, I've written a great children's story, The Puppet's Musical Strings. I'm here in Seattle and I don't have any contacts down in film land.......... Particularly Disney. The debut of the staged version was this Dec 19th, with fresh new music............. It was fantastic perfomance. Can you help me get an audience with the people looking for great stories to animate, put on ice, do as ballets....etc.

Thanks,

David H*rgr*ve

Fletch- That is quite a dilemma you have there, David. I can't possibly fathom why no one would want to purchase your product, especially with such an intriguing title. But another debacle I can't wrap my head around is the fact that no one will buy your material when you make it abundantly clear that its brilliant. Why is this? But that's why I'm here, David. To help no-talent tools make it in the world today. Tonight I will be forwarding you numbers for the agents of Ms. Piggy and Gonzo. Those two crazy kids were born to jumpstart careers. But before I do that, I'd like for you to remove the "Musical Strings" phrase from the title. They make look at it as prejudice.

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To: filmmonthly@hotmail.com

Subject: Doris Pilkington

Date: Fri, 31 Dec 2004 11:20:20 -0800

I so much enjoyed reading Doris Pilkingtons 4 books, & viewing the film, 'Rabbit Proof Fence', that I wanted to thank her & also ask her why the Australian Government was so cruel to the Aboriginal people. Can you please forward this post to her?

Thanks,

Daniel A*****

Fletch- I'm right there with you, Daniel. I thoroughly enjoyed not reading Doris Pisselton's books just as much as you. And I also loved the movie "Geek-Proof Fence" as well. Powerful stuff. But unfortunately, Doris is off blowing a producer right now, so she put me in charge of all her public relations matters. To answer your question, the Australian Government took a turn for the worst when they viewed the movie "Crocodile Dundee" in 1986. Upon viewing, the Government then understood that the Aboriginals were bloody, no-good savages that did nothing but kill their precious crocodiles and take up space with their dirty, smelly feet. Upon a 29-30 decision vote, the Courts decided to let the Aboriginals stick around, that is until the next year when "Crocodile Dundee II" was released. The next day, the Government ordered a massive air-strike and nuked the shit out of the Abo-Islands, clearing the land for much better Australians to build their mansions on. Such Australians include Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe and Steve Irwin. Let me know if you need any other questions asked. My life is an open book of Australian history.

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From: "mlee" <m******@bellsouth.net>

To: <filmmonthly@hotmail.com>

Subject: my son

Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 09:11:04 -0500

TO WHOM THIS MAY CONCERN,

I HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE UNSHACKLED.GREAT MOVIE...I HAVE A SON IN PRISON. HIS NAME IS MARSHALL **** LEE. I KNOW THAT THIS MAY BE ODD...BUT I REALLY NEED TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THIS PERSON HARROLD MORRIS..I KNOW THAT THERE IS SOME WAY FOR YOU TO GET A MESSAGE TO HIM...OR AT LEAST GIVE MR.MORRIS MY TELEPHONE TO HIM...MY SON NEED SOME ONE IN HIS LIFE TO HELP HIM ....I THINK THAT HAROLD CAN BE ABLE TO HELP HIM... PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN MY STORY.

THANK YOU,

ANGELA S**M*NS

Fletch- Well, Angela clearly comes from a family of the criminally insane, boys and girls. There is a lesson to be learned by every email we receive, and the lesson here is to stay away from drugs. Notice that she typed her letter in all caps. Notice that she emailed a film site in attempt to get her son out of prison. These are a few of the many things that crack does to people. Angela sounds like she's in desperate need of a fix. Ma'am, as many times as we've watched "Escape From Alcatraz" here in the office, I still don't think we're the right people for the job. Perhaps Roger Ebert can help you at chicagosuntimes.com, cause we're fresh out of looney here.

Read Clint's previous Rant here.