Half way through the glorious Precinct 13 (still the best movie of '05), I was introduced to the "Smiley" character, and Praise the Film Gods it was someone whose death I would embrace, not mourn. The actor playing Smiley - Mr. Ja Rule. For the remainder of the flick (until he met his wonderful demise), the audience had to witness Ja Rule The Thespian speak in third person, creating one of the most despicably annoying characters in recent memory. This brings us to today's theme: rappers being cast in movies.

Why, Hollywood, do you insist on throwing a rapper into the mix with  films today? Is it because you think they can act? They can't. Because you think they're bankable? Fucking Ludicrous (pun intended). When are you stupid shitheads going to learn that the American public cringes at film trailers featuring one-named thugs? Case-in-point. Just the other day I caught the trailer to XXX2. Everything is fine and dandy and the audience is digging it, that is until the last name of the acting credits appears - Xzibit. Everyone bursts into laughter as hard as seeing Paris Hilton in the House of Wax trailer. WE LAUGH AT RAPPERS. Its bad enough that Ice Cube and LL Cool J have now been accepted into the Class-A Circle of Casting, but producers insist on keeping the chain going by welcoming the next generation of bling bling - Ludacris, DMX and 50 Cent to name a few.

It's humorous to think back into the early 90's when this trend started. Casting rappers in lead roles before 2000 was definitely something that was frowned upon instead of admirable, with other actors stating their utmost opinions on how ridiculous it is to place these musicians in movies with little-to no acting experience. Does anyone remember that statement Samuel L. Jackson released a few years back on how the only reputable rapper in the Biz is Will Smith? He then went on to say that he hates working with rappers and has actually turned down movies due to this ongoing dispute. Now fast-forward to present day. To show you how much things have changed since then, the last three movies Jackson has made all feature rappers in lead roles (XXX2, Coach Carter, and S.W.A.T.).

What changed all of this? A little film called 8 Mile. The Spring hit of 2002 single-handedly changed the Producer's outlook on the rapper's bankable power because Eminem actually did a DECENT job. And the fact that the movie made an ass-load of money helped out too. But little do many people know that Eminem was nearly fired early on during shooting of 8 Mile because he couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. Production was postponed for 3 months so that director Curtis Hanson could whip his white ass into shape. And in other news, the only thing that's more annoying than a rapper in a movie is a rapper teamed with a washed-up martial arts star. Jet Li and DMX. Steven Seagal and Ja Rule. Chow-Yun Fat and Mark Wahlberg. STOP!!! Throwing a chink in the chain doesn't solve anything. But enough with the chit-chat already. Let's get down and dirty. Who can cut it with the rest of them?

Ice Cube - Your writing's good. Your acting could be better. Snoop Dogg - I smell dogg shit. Fashizzle. Dr. Dre - Watching Denzel destroy you with his talent gives me chills. Coolio - Batman and Robin was the last straw. On to B-movie stardom. Ice T - Can't act. Good thing he's on Law and Order. Ja Rule - Kill yourself. Even your music is annoying. LL Cool J - Nice six pack. Model instead. That doesn't involve speaking. Xzibit - We can't sit through Pimp My Ride. That's telling us something. DMX - Jet Li can't help you anymore. You're shit out of luck. Bow Wow - You're hitting puberty - and the end of your thespian career. Ludacris - Can't figure out who ruined 2 Fast 2 Furious. Was it you? 50 Cent - How can you act with your bullet-proof vest on? Mos Def - Nice to see you. Loved you in Italian Job. Mark Wahlberg - Nice to see you. Loved you in Italian Job. Red Man/Method Man - Failed movie. Failed TV show. What's next? Will Smith - I don't really count you because saying you're a rapper is like saying Vanilla Ice is a rapper, which I still can't bring myself to do.

Now I'm sure that there are more rapper/actor-wannabes I failed to mention above, its just that they're not talented enough to be recognized as musicians. Furthermore, I'd like to add that Clint Fletcher is not my real name. So please don't send any gang members after me or explosives to the Film Monthly offices, for you will only be killing innocent bystanders.

In closing, I would like to make another desperate, yet shameless Hollywood plea - stop putting rappers in your movies just cause. Realize what you're doing and reverse this horrible process of believing that they'll actually help sell your product. If they can truly act, then more power to you. But beware - these people are a dime a dozen.

[Editor's Note: How could you leave out my favorite rapper turned actor, Busta Rhymes? I mean it - I like this guy! Dude!]

Read last month's Rant here.