People, I beg you... STOP WITH THE BAD REMAKES!!!

Over the past five years, Hollywood has hit an all-time low with remakes, and its only going to get worse. Its my understanding that there are about 10,000 working screenwriters registered with the WGA in LA alone. Now I know that out of 10,000 writers some of them had to have original scripts, but I'm sure the studios just toss them in a stack somewhere never to see the light of day, unless of course they see something they think they can dumb down. On top of this, approximately 98% of new books getting released during the 2005-06 season has a movie based on it that's being put into production before the book is even debuted. Now we have the darkest of the terds- the remakes. I never thought it would get to the point where the studios would run out of good remake ideas, but God forbid it has happened. Now Hollywood is picking shitty old films to remake! Was House of Wax popular in its day? Did the original Walking Tall blow anyone away? Was the first Flight of the Phoenix as boring as the first? If the concept of a movie didn't work twenty years ago, then why the hell would it work today? House of Wax was a stupid idea then and it's a stupid idea now. The only thing that time heals is wounds, and Hollywood is just ripping those wounds back open and pouring salt on them.

Then there's the dreaded idea of taking a fairly decent concept and adding a new, "hip" spin to it, such as adding a skank to drive Herbie the love bug or making the Honeymooners black. Listen closely, people. The American public hates Cedric the Entertainer and actually makes a purpose not to see any film that has his name on it. His stand-up was funny but his movies make us want to claw our eyes out for pleasure. We've also caught on that anything made by Disney is complete and utter dog shit and should be avoided at all costs. Disney has been keeping Pixar alive, but now even they've flown the coupe. Pixar realized they blow, the Weinsteins realized they blow, now even Mickey Mouse himself is rethinking his career decisions.

Then you have your horror remakes. Many studio execs can learn a lot from the Dawn of the Dead remake and the lesson is this- if you're going to remake a film, make sure that 1) the original was actually popular and 2) you're going to put your own original spin on it. The new Dawn set a record for making me pee my pants more than any other horror remake (excluding Planet of the Apes when I needed an excuse to leave). But a Dawn of the Dead seems to come only once in a blue moon. Somehow I don't think a remake of The Fog with Selma Blair will do the same trick. But much like Chocolate Factory, it also comes down to who you choose to helm the film. I was scratching my head for months when I heard Tim Burton was chosen to remake Willy Wonka, which triggered flashbacks of me scratching my head 4 years ago when he was chosen for Planet of the Apes. Did anyone at Warner Brothers ever actually watch Edward Scissorhands? I don't see the resemblance. Ditto for Michael Bay starting a horror production company. Did he read a review for Pearl Harbor that said the movie was downright scary and thought maybe he should produce horror? Maybe he's dyslexic and mistook the word "" for "horror." While the Texas Chainsaw and Amityville Horror remakes were pretty decent, there just wasn't anything original being brought to the table. Perhaps the real horror will begin when Alfred Hitchcock rises from the dead after discovering that the director of Bad Boys is remaking *gulp* The Birds. What's next, McG does Rear Window?

And last but not least, you have your "sequels" that are so separated from their original in date that they can technically be considered remakes. Every single one of these attempts have failed, so you guys should stop before it gets really ugly. Take your pick- The Odd Couple II, Crocodile Dundee in LA, and last year's painfully embarrassing Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. And the shit storm doesn't stop there. We just barely survived Son of the Mask and later this year we have Bewitched and... brace yourself for this one... the Carlito's Way prequel starring P-Diddy?!?! PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP!!! I wonder if the producers of these flicks go and cash their paychecks with ski masks on.

To wrap things up, not a single film that was mentioned in this article made enough money at the box office to please tinsel-town. As a matter of fact, under the Hollywood code, any film that makes enough money to be classified as a success must spawn a sequel. Well, there's living proof that only two remakes (to my knowledge) have spawned sequels. Congratulations to Father of the Bride and Ocean's 11. Hollywood, you now know what you have to do to turn a remake of a classic into a classic itself. Otherwise if the people don't want it, then why bring it? Think it over. I'm out.

Read Clint's previous Rant on Paris Hilton here.

Read Clint's previous Rant on Stoopid Emails here.

Read Clint's previous Rant on Rappers who are wannabe actors here.

Read Clint's previous Rant on Why Action Movies Ain't here.