So after an alarming number of great films received terrible grades, I cancelled my subscription. But the thing is, I kept receiving ‘please comeback’ brochures promising free issues, low rates, and free gifts. To this day I periodically receive offers for a year subscription for something like 8 bucks. How can a magazine survive offering 52 issues for a mere 8 bucks? Either they make the magazine in Latin American sweatshops or Entertainment Weekly isn’t doing so well.

I am not sure how they choose to grade movies, but I do have a theory. But first lets start off with a prime example on just how cracked out EW really is.

(Note- The following grades are not fictional. They are actual grades given out by EW)

Crossroads                                   B+

Goodfellas                                   B

The Shawshank Redemption       B-

Casino                                          B-

Three classic films from the 90’s, with Goodfellas and The Shawkshank Redemption earning Best Picture nominations and landing on numerous ‘greatest of all time lists’, yet they all are not equal to the Britney Spears vehicle that was Crossroads. How much crack does EW smoke? What time of validity does a publication expect to have with opinions such as these? Is EW run by a bunch of 14-year old girls?

Barb Wire                             C

Ghost Rider                          C-

Fight Club                            D

Deuce Bigalo 2                   C+

The Day After tomorrow    C+

White Chicks                      C+

The Matrix                          C+

I don’t even know where to start. Anyone that thinks Barb Wire is better than Fight Club is an idiot. It is almost like arguing with a child, the child just doesn’t know any better. I am sure the social/political commentary that Barb Wire had was far more intelligent and effectively constructed in its narrative. They also have The Matrix being on the same level as White Chicks, Deuce Bigalo 2, etc.….wow. I guess its nearly 90% approval rating on rottentomatoes.com must be wrong. They should change the name of the magazine to Ignorance Weekly.

Drumline                    A-

American Beauty       B+

Terminator 2              B+

Good Will Hunting    B

Dreamgirls                        B+

The Usual Suspects           B

If you polled a million Americans on whether or not Drumline is the best film of this group, 0 would vote for Drumline, true story. They have way to much audacity to claim that it is better than any of those films. Oh and I’m sure in 20 years we’ll still all be talking about Dreamgirls. Riiiight. I know you are probably shaking your head in disbelief at these grades, but I do have a theory on exactly how they come up with them.

I think that all of EW staff writers gather round in the break-room, get liquored up and play the ‘lets grade the movie’ game. They write down the movies that need to be reviewed for the week on small slips of paper. Then they fold them nicely and place them in a hat. Then they take turns picking them and in inebriated fashion, blindly throw darts at the dart board (pictured above), and wherever they land, they do a write-up supporting that grade. Rumor has it that Absolut Vodka is a favorite amongst staff members.

Back to the grades:

House Party                    B+

Herbie: Fully Loaded     B

Seven                              B

Blue Crush                      B+

Black Hawk Down         B-

H.E.A.T                          B-

The Dukes of Hazzard-     B+

Braveheart-                        B-

At EW, everyone knows that movies like House Party, Blue Crush, The Dukes of Hazzard and Lindsey Lohan’s Herbie: Fully Loaded are better than films like Seven, Black Hawk Down, H.E.A.T, and best picture winner Braveheart. Even in the Twilight Zone, people’s opinions would not be this warped. What kind of twisted souls work at EW?

Die Another Day                          A-

Lord of the Rings: Two Towers   B

Date Movie                     B-

X-Men 3                          B-

Epic Movie                      B-

Scary Movie 2                 C

Letters from Iwo Jima     C-

The same souls that think one of the worst Bond films ever, is better than Lords of the Rings: The Two Towers. The same souls who place Date Movie, Epic Movie,  Scary Movie 2 and X-Men 3 far head of Clint Eastwood’s masterpiece, Letters from Iwo Jima. The spawn of Satan wouldn’t even go that far. Word has it that EW employees are allowed to start drinking as soon as they hit the office, which makes the 8am-5pm happy hour longer than any bar in the history of bars or happy hour.

The Marine                    C+

The Hills Have Eyes 2   C+

The Da Vinci Code        C+

Little Miss Sunshine      C

Basic Instinct 2                     B-

Blood Diamond                    C+

Pirates of the Caribbean 1     C

Alien vs Predator                 C

Dirty Dancing 2                   C

Forrest Gump                       C

Barbershop 2                        B+

V for Vendetta                      B

Unforgiven                            B

Minority Report                     B

As Good as it Gets                 B-

Nearly 80% of critics publicly bashed The Marine, starring WWF star John Cena. Leave it to EW to give it a higher rating than Little Miss Sunshine, another Best Picture nominee. 93% of critics destroyed Basic Instinct 2, yet it is rated higher than films like Blood Diamond, Forrest Gump, V for Vendetta, Unforgiven, and Minority Report. In the land where insanity and chaos rules, EW is treated like a bible. According to statistics, Entertainment Weekly is the most popular magazine in psychiatric wards and maximum security prisons.

Bowfinger             A

Open Water           A

Jurassic Park               A-

Amelie                        A-

The Proposition          A-

The Lives of Others    A-

The Departed-            A-

When films of the latter five in quality can’t compare to those of Open Water or Bowfinger, something is seriously wrong. I am sure that I am not the only one to notice the atrocities that they commit on a weekly basis. I could go on and on with examples on how badly Entertainment Weekly sucks. Like how many just use it for toilet paper. But by now, you get the point, it just sucks.  I looked at an issue the other day while at a store, I could have sworn it smelled like vodka. How can you trust what a magazine says when they use a dartboard to grade movies? I know I can’t.  

Don't forget to check out Clint Flethcer's other hidey hole here on the web - http://filmmonthlyblog.blogspot.com/

Read Clint's previous Rant on Mark Steven Johnson here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on New Marketing Trends here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on New Year's Resolutions here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Eddie Murphy here.
Read Tony's previous Rant on Martin Scorsese vs. the Academy here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on 9/11 films here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on K-Fed Bites! here.
Read Tony's previous Rant on The Wayans Bros. here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Lay Off Sly! here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Silly Emails! here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Jessica Alba here.
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Read Clint's previous Rant on Santa's Mailbag here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Release Date Retards here.
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Read Clint's previous Rant on 80's Comedies here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on More Gems From The Mailbag here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Remakes here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Paris Hilton here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Stoopid Emails here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Rappers who are wannabe actors here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Why Action Movies Ain't here.