Let's start with brains. A pile of shit is brainless and so is Jessica Alba. I guess we would call that a tie. But then again, the pile of shit 't star in the movie Honey, which gives it the upper-hand. Then we have talent. Shit is used for many talented purposes. Whether you're inspecting it for medical reasons or setting it on fire in people's yards, shit can be pretty damn talented and useful. Jessica Alba has shown no signs of talent whatsoever, so the shit wins again. But if we set both Jessica and the pile of shit on fire, which would burn faster? Plastic burns faster than feces, so I guess Jessica wins that one. But so far, the shit is still in the lead.

I'm sure by now anyone (that's not mentally handicapped) can figure out what I'm getting at- Jessica Alba is a stupid, brainless, talentless whore that has about as good a chance of winning a major acting award as Paris Hilton does of not fucking the U.S. Olympic Team this week. It just ain't happening, folks. First she managed to give the best blowjob in the world to James Cameron, which got her the lead part on the series Dark Angel. Many male viewers tuned in due to her flexible acting range (from her body) and Dark Angel became a huge hit - that is until Alias came along, a much better TV show with the same premise and starring a woman that can actually act. Then Dark Angel got sent back to hell faster than Paris Hilton...well...faster than Paris Hilton. Then, someone that jerked off to her show on a daily basis thought - "hmm, that girl's hot and flexible. I'll put her in a dance movie."

Thus giving us the utterly dreadful Honey.

Then Robert Rodriguez accidentally saw Honey while drunk in his private mansion one night and said..."hmm...I already have enough real actors for Sin City. Now its time to hire a stupid ho-bag to stare at all day." He then went off at that very moment to write a character that would be absolutely perfect for Alba- a dumb stripper. Thus giving us Sin City. THEN a producer that didn't even see Sin City witnessed Jessica's name among other talented people such as Bruce Willis, Benicio Del Toro and Clive Owen. The producer then thought, "hmm... maybe she can sell a movie after all. I'll cast her in Fantastic Four." After all, who cares if she's cast as a scientist? Fantastic Four was directed by the dude that did Taxi. Plus Tara Reid pulled off the scientist role in Alone in the Dark superbly. Then finally, someone came to their senses and said "let's just make a movie without a script. But as long as its near water and Jessica Alba's in a bikini, it will sell." Sadly they later had to change the title from "Into the Pink" to something much lamer.

Is anyone going to remember Jessica Alba in twenty years? Haha NO. Just as I can't remember the last shit I took yesterday. See? Great comparisons all around. Listen honey (pun intended), the only way you're going to be remembered is if you show us the goods. I'm not talking PG-13 teases, I mean hardcore, down and dirty goods. Think Basic Instinct or better yet- porn. Why can't you take a tip from Jenna Jameson? She's much hotter than you are and even she realized early that if she wanted to go down as a legend, she'd have to go down on a guy with a legendary shlong. And this whole "I'm not as dumb as I look" routine you've been attempting isn't fooling anyone. Oh sweetie, you're exactly as dumb as you look. If we put your brain into a BB, it would rattle. We all saw that Punk'd episode so we already know you're a bitch. Remember when that guy was in that store streaking while you were shopping and you started screaming "do you know who I am? I'm Jessica fucking Alba." And this was back in the early Dark Angel days. You were talentless then and you're talentless now.

In recent Alba news, she's threatening to sue Playboy and her great grandfather Hugh Hefner after allegedly reporting that a fairly nude picture of her is on the recent cover of Playboy. She claims that she had no knowledge of this action, and no one contacted her people for any form of consent. Alba then goes on to say that a "monetary settlement" would be appropriate. Could it be that Jessica is finally realizing she's worthless? Could she be saving up for her "losing your good" fund? In any event, Alba's lawyers claim that the picture was indeed authentic, but originally a promotional shot from Into the Blue. Playboy apparently tricked Columbia Pictures somehow into obtaining the photo. I don't know about you guys, but I say a fairly nude whore in a picture is a fairly nude whore in a picture. It doesn't matter what magazine its in, you're still a whore in a picture. So unless the picture was fake, I don't see why she's so upset. Here's an idea- don't reject Playboy. Accept Playboy. Only then will you have a life-long career in the industry.

We are now accepting all votes from internet junkies as to who you think wins in the Official Jessica Alba vs. a Pile of Shit Contest. Simply cast your vote by putting a reply post below this very article (stating your vote) on our Film Monthly Blog here- http://filmmonthlyblog.blogspot.com/

Read Clint's previous Rant on George Lucas here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on New Year's Resolutions here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Santa's Mailbag here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Release Date Retards here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Chris Tucker here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on 80's Comedies here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on More Gems From The Mailbag here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Remakes here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Paris Hilton here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Stoopid Emails here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Rappers who are wannabe actors here.
Read Clint's previous Rant on Why Action Movies Ain't here.