Oscar Moments 2002
by Coco Delgado
The following is a chronicle of just over four hours of my life spent watching the 74th Annual Academy Awards with my
boyfriend, Jon, and our friends Tuesday and John.
ABC Red Carpet Preshow
"Owen Wilson hails from Texas." Yeah. No shit.
Denzel's wife looks like she's gonna deck someone if he
doesn't win. She
kinda looks like a drag queen, actually. Those arms are
scary.
Ben Kingsley is a sir? Cool.
Tom Cruise's introduction about "Why We Love Movies"
Jeez, Tom, you could've shaved for the occasion. "Pull
up a sofa, it's just
us talking ... it's Oscar Night." Cool.
"Why We Love Movies"
I miss Walter Cronkheit.
Whoopi Goldberg imitates Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge
Oh, good lord. But it could be worse...Billy Crystal
could have hosted.
Jennifer Connelly's acceptance speech
Jen, baby, you're an actress. emote! But: cool.
I'm one for one.
Someone accepting an award, saying "I don't know why
anyone gave me the
job."
With that suit, I don't know why anyone gave you the
job either.
During commercials
Now there's a commercial with broad, wide-ranging
appeal. Don't we all need
benefits management/human resources software?
The Owen Wilson/Ben Stiller costume sketch
Owen Wilson looks pretty damn hilarious as Harry
Potter, and oh my god: "ZZ
Top Troll Boy!" "Shanghai 12:30." Hee!
Accepting the award for Best Costumes
She's a costume designer? You'd think she'd have
picked out something
better to wear.
The New York Tribute
Woody Allen actually at the Oscars? I guess now that
they're not on Monday
night, he's free...I thought he loved New York so much
he wouldn't leave it
to come to the Oscars. I love how he enunciates his T's.
Whoopi's foot-fetish joke
Footnotes. Heh.
Announcing the Cinematography winner
Oh, bugger all! Lord of the Rings my ass! The Man Who
Wasn't There so
deserved that!
Audience Shots
So. Who's the guy with his hand in Ian McKellan's
lap?
Ooh. Better make sure the black people are laughing at
the black joke.
Another bad suit wins an award
Born in 1963; right, got it. You're 39. Mid-life crisis
much? That suit
makes sense now.
Thoth wins Short Documentary Oscar
Oh, my GOD! Thoth! I've seen that guy! I
so have! He used to
play in Golden Gate Park! Oh, wow!!! That's so amazing!
Roberto Begnini's favourite movie
Ruh-Neb, whatta movie!
Best Animated Feature
Aw! I love the shots of the animated stars in their
seats! That's so
adorable! But wouldn't Shrek take his wife to
the Oscars and not the
donkey? Just saying. Besides, I'd have loved to see
Fiona in a fancy Oscar
dress.
After looking up how old someone is
Having IMDb up while watching the Oscars rocks!
I am never watching
them without a computer ever again.
Pearl Harbour wins for sound
Ugh. Now Pearl Harbour is an "Oscar-winning" movie.
Guess they'll have to
re-release the DVD. And, yeah dude, thank god for "war
all over the world."
Without that, there'd be no movies, would there? Yay
war. Go war.
<After showing a clip from Ali
I miss Howard Cosell.
Best Supporting Actor
Wow. Jim Broadbent. Cool.
Audience shot
Actually, Peter Jackson looks the type who'd play a
lot of D&D.
Cirque du Soleil crash the party
You know, they always complain about how long the
Oscars run. Hello? Cirque
du Soleil? I think we could have cut that...it's nearly
10:30, so I'm
guessing we're about half done?
Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw come up to present
What the hell happened to Ryan O'Neal!? He looks
like John Goodman!
Best Score
Oh please...Let poor Randy Newman win - finally. He's
like the Susan Lucci
of the Oscars! God, give me a freaking break! Lord of
the Rings,
again!? Christ, there's gonna be two more
movies, you might want to
save some bloody awards for that.
The Tribute to Sidney Poitier
Jon says they should have had Will Smith do the Sidney
Poitier thing. Since
he's like, his son and all?
The Harry Potter kid talks about 12 Angry Men
"The first black and white film I ever saw." Heh.
Whoopi covers Oscar's midsection
If John Ashcroft is distracted by Oscar's midsection,
he's got ADD.
Best Song
I love the fact you could totally waltz to "Until."
Hey, Ryan O'Neal's
singing! Oh, wait...that is John Goodman. Hee. I
guess Billy
Crystal's not singing cos he can't be there...must be
why he isn't hosting.
This Pearl Harbour song is so...modern. They should
have done a swing
number. Just saying. It's vile. It had better not win.
Interesting the first
thing they show behind Paul is the Dakota?
Jennifer Lopez presents the Oscar for Best Song
Hey, J-Lo in an opaque dress! Wow!
The winner is announced
YAY! Randy Newman won! Okay, so I picked him for score,
but hey. I like his
glittery tux, too. But damn, 16 times a bridesmaid,
finally a bride! Hurrah!
Best Adapted Screenplay
Akiva Goldsmith!? Oh, please...the "dazzling Russell
Crowe?" You so have a
crush on him, admit it.
Sharon Stone and John Travolta dance a little
I miss dancing.
Best Foreign Language Film
What!? What!? How could Amélie not win
anything at all!?
That's...that's just the most wrong thing I've seen all
night. And I saw
Whoopi in that feather thing.
Whoopi describes Moulin Rouge
"And all of it done, apparently, without a director."
Nice.
Barbra Streisand talks about Robert Redford
I still maintain that Barbra Streisand should play
Jennifer Aniston's mother
in something. It's just...obvious. Like Teri Garr
playing Lisa Kudrow's
mother, it's a given.
Best Actress
Heh. Nicole Kidman's like, "they picked that
clip to show?" Cool.
Halle Berry won. She's in total shock. Nice to show
Sidney Poitier...
Britney Spears' favourite movie is Pretty Woman
Shut up Britney. Just shut up. The Harry Potter kid
blows you out of the
water.
Best Actor
Denzel. Cool. I need to see that now? Aw...Denzel's
carrying Julia, that's
so cute.
Best Director
Opie won! Aint Bee will be so proud. Heh. He hesitates
to call a man his
"partner," which, I guess I can understand...
Another audience shot
Looking at the real John Nash, they should have
had Steve Buscemi
play him.
And finally...
OOH. Best Picture...this is it kids...crap. Beautiful
Mind. Oh well, at
least it proves that you can't win if you have action
figures!
Actually, you wouldn't be there without John Nash. You
could have been there
without Russell Crowe.
Right. Bedtime. Over four hours...Yawn. And, Jon got 11
right, I
got...seven. But like so much else in my life, I go
with my heart.
I miss Steve Martin.
Coco Delgado is a writer who always sits in the front row. For fun she moves to different cities, which have included Montreal, San Francisco and Atlanta. This year it's Boston..
Got a problem? Email Jon at filmmonthly@hotmail.com